


Guitars and Centipedes

by attackontaco



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Demisexual Kaneki, Depression, Drunk 'Mistakes', Drunken Kissing, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Pining, Self-Discovery, Slow Build, band au, everyone is human, future smut, past shuuneki, rating + tags will be updated
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-11
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-03-30 01:40:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3918391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attackontaco/pseuds/attackontaco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki Ken is just your average college student. All he's trying to do is graduate and lead a happy life. He's always loved music, but never had any interest in pursuing it himself - until his best friend wants to start a band, dragging him into it.</p><p>Alternatively titled: How <em>not</em> to deal with liking your best friend, and life in general, by Kaneki Ken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Please?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! Here you will find my first ever Tokyo Ghoul fic. I'm trying to keep everyone as in-character as possible, so if you see something you think is ooc, please let me know! This fic's rating, tags, and warnings will be updated as it goes along, because there wil be smut in the future. Also, because there are so many ships in this fic, I will add notes at the beginning of some chapters to let everyone know which ship the chapter is centred around, in case some of you don't care about them. Do keep in mind, hidekane will be present in almost every chapter. Hope you enjoy and please let me know if you do!

“No. I’m not doing it.” Kaneki said.

“C’mon, you have to! It’ll be so much fun, dude!” Hide pushed. He had just come to his best friend with a proposal, which was, although interesting, absolutely out of the question for the black haired boy.

Kaneki reluctantly looked up from his book, perhaps eye contact would make his best friend realise that Kaneki wasn’t changing his mind, “I’m not joining a band, Hide.”

Hide gave a dramatic sigh, “Do it for the extra credit, then!”

“First of all, I don’t need the extra credit, and second of all, I couldn’t if I wanted to! You know I don’t play any instruments.” Ken said.

Hide thought for a moment, then said, “You could sing?”

Kaneki genuinely laughed. Him? Sing? Never.

“Find someone else, man.” he said, “You can’t have a two-man-band anyways.”

Hide rolled his eyes, “Do I have to beg? Pleeeeaaaase~” he started saying.

“You ran out of arguments already?” Kaneki chuckled, “Okay, I’ll make you a deal.”

Hide perked up, eagerly waiting for the black haired boy to continue.

“If you can find three more people for the ’band’, I’ll join.” Ken smiled.

“Alright!” the blond yelled, a bit too loud, “Will you look too?”

Kaneki shrugged, “If I meet a musician, I’ll ask them, but I’m not going looking.”

“Deal.” Hide beamed, holding out his hand. Kaneki took it and smiled, content to indulge Hide in his idea, but still knowing neither of them ever met musicians, anyways.

 

“I didn’t know we’d have someone joining us.” Kaneki said, happy to accept the new member of their lunch meeting, but slightly concerned by his look of general disgust with everything — especially Kaneki.

“This is my boyfriend, Kanae.” Tsukiyama said, introducing the man.

“Ah, nice to meet you.” Kaneki said, shaking Kanae’s hand, and noting that the purple haired man wiped said hand on his pants afterwards.

Kaneki was happy Tsukiyama had moved on. He hadn’t taken it well when Kaneki broke up with him… At all, so it was good to see him with someone new, even if Kanae was a bit snobby.

“He has to leave soon, he has orchestra.” Shuu said.

Orchestra? How convenient. The rude man dating Kaneki’s ex is the first musician he meets. Even still, he’s polite and asks, “Oh? What do you play?” As they found a table at the café they were visiting.

Kanae sighed, “Violin.”

“He’s very good, he’s been playing for years!” Tsukiyama praised, and for the first time, Kaneki saw Kanae smile.

Still though, Kaneki had in the back of his mind that he had to ask. He’d made a deal with Hide, and even if he hadn’t, they were best friends, and best friends help each other.

“So, Kanae,” Kaneki started, “My friend and I are doing some musical assignments for extra credit at school, and we’ve been looking for some… Musical people to join us.” he finished. He knew he should probably get to the point, but he also knew there was a nine out of ten chance Kanae would flat out refuse him, so he thought it wise to make it sound better than it would probably really be, first.

Kanae beat him to it, though, “You want me to join, what? A band?”

Kaneki scratched his head nervously, why was this man intimidating him so much?

“Yes.” the black haired boy said.

“Hmm.” Kanae scoffed lightly, “I have to go, I’ll think about it.” he said, standing up to leave. It was then Ken noticed his violin case which had been leaning against his chair before.

Well, “I’ll think about it.” that wasn’t so bad, right? Secretly though, Kaneki hoped the purple-haired German would turn them down. He _really_ didn’t want to start a band.


	2. Idiot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear: there are NO ghouls in this AU! All happy humans! :)

Kaneki had been revising calculus at Anteiku after his shift to clear his head, after having an _interesting_ lunch with Tsukiyama.

After Kanae had left for his orchestral practice, Tsukiyama had immediately turned to Kaneki with a surprisingly contained grin, “A band?” he had asked.

After Kaneki explained the whole ordeal to him, and why it probably wasn’t going to happen, Tsukiyama insisted it was a great idea, and vowed to help convince Kanae later. The look on the purple haired man’s face made Kaneki not want to imagine what ‘convincing’ Kanae would mean.

After Kaneki brushed him off, Shuu continued to talk — no, _rant_ — about why Kaneki should join.

“You have a beautiful singing voice!” he’d exclaimed, to which Ken had asked how on earth he would know that, “I know you sing in the shower.” Tsukiyama then grinned.  
Kaneki’s face went red, and at that he’d decided to change the subject. For the rest of the lunch date they’d simply chatted about their lives, and what they’d been doing lately. The two had maintained quite a good friendship after breaking up the year before, and had met up once or twice — sometimes more — a month, always at the same bistro.

“Hey, Kaneki, could you help clean up?” Touka suddenly asked him, snapping him out of his little flashback.

“Sure.” he got up, grabbing a rag and starting to wipe down the tables.

“Something on your mind?” she asked as they worked, raising an eyebrow.

Ken sighed, “Hide wants to start a band with me.” he said, getting right to the point.

Touka snorted, “A band? Why?”

“I dunno,” he said, “extra credit I guess. But now he wants me to go looking for members.”

“Hmm.” she huffed, seemingly thinking about something, a small grin tugging at her lips as she chuckled almost inaudibly.

Kaneki furrowed his brow, “What is it?”

She sighed, “Oh, nothing. Let’s just finish here so we can go home.”

After that they cleaned in silence.

 

**Touka**

Touka had a horrible headache, and the fluorescent streetlights weren’t helping. Thankfully, she saw her apartment building up ahead, and she could already feel her pillow under her head.

She looked at her watch as she walked up the steps to her apartment. It read 2:00 AM. _Ugh_.

Her headache started getting worse, and it was probably because with every step she took up the stairwell, the metallic sound of an electric guitar grew stronger. Then it hit her. _Oh hell no._

She threw open the door, already pissed enough to be baring teeth, “It is two in the morning! What the hell do you think you’re doing, you idiot?!”

But the sound didn’t stop, instead, it grew louder as it came into the living room, “I have to practice, don’t I? I told you I’m gonna join a band.” Ayato said, lazily strumming his fingers on the second hand guitar.

“The hell you are, go to bed.” Touka grumbled, falling onto the sofa and zapping on the tv.

“I could make money in a band, you know. God knows that shitty minimum wage job you have isn’t doing much.” when Ayato received no answer, he rolled his eyes and mumbled, “Stupid sister.”

Her brother’s footsteps departed, and the so-called ‘music’ continued for a few minutes — probably just to spite her — before it stopped.

Touka vowed to never let him know that her friend was _actually_ starting a band. Even if he didn’t get along with Kaneki, Ayato would try to join just to show Touka he could.

It was then that the toilet flushed from the bathroom. _Wait, what?_

“Hey Touka! You’re finally home, I made dinner hours ago, but it’s cold now.” 

“Yoriko?” Touka asked, “What’re you doing here?”

“Eh, thought I’d visit you.” she shrugged, walking over and kissing Touka on the cheek, “You want me to warm the food up?”

“Nah, it’s fine.” Touka said, patting the sofa next her, Yoriko laid down with her, cuddling up.

“Didn’t that idiot bother you?” Touka asked.

Yoriko giggled, “No, I think he’s pretty good.”

Touka scoffed, “Yeah, right.”

It wasn’t much later that Touka fell asleep with her arm still wrapped around her girlfriend, who also dozed off a while later — with the tv still playing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed, please leave feedback if you did!


	3. 7 AM

7:00 AM classes were horrifying. Kaneki briefly wondered what had possessed him to sign up for them at the start of the semester. But instead of going on to question his bad life choices, he dragged his feet to Sociology 102, and sat down in the lecture hall.

There weren’t many people there yet, even though the class was set to start in three minutes. Kaneki sighed — maybe that would give him a few minutes to nap before the professor started talking.

Just as his plan to doze off was beginning to work, the hard sound of someone falling into the chair next to him shook Kaneki awake.

He inhaled sharply, looking over, “…Hide?”

“Yo.” the blonde boy pulled a small notepad out of his bag and started flipping through it.

“Since when do you take sociology?” Ken asked, confused.

“I don’t! But this was the only time I was free to come see you today.” Hide said, “Why are you here this early? It’s ungodly.” he continued, chuckling.

“Why did you need to see me, anyways?” the black haired boy asked, shifting in his seat so he could look at his friend.

“Okay, so I found someone for the band! I wanted to know what you think.” Hide said excitedly.

“Really? It’s only been a few days.” Ken wondered aloud.

“Yeah. What about you? Find anybody?” the blond asked him.

Kaneki moved his hand to his chin subconsciously, “Er… Not exactly.”

Hide looked up, narrowing his eyes at Kaneki. Dammit, he knew him too well, “Who did you find, Ken?” Hide asked, grinning. Kaneki wanted to tell him no one again, but he knew that wasn’t exactly the truth.

“He’s a violinist. But he hasn’t said yes yet.” Kaneki huffed, giving in.

“Cool,” Hide said, “Why didn’t you wanna tell me?”

“He’s sort of… My ex’s boyfriend?” Kaneki said, as if it were a question.

“Ohh.” Hide said, “Tsukiyama’s boyfriend?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I mean at least he moved on.” Hide shrugged.

“That’s what I thought, too. But we can’t have that guy in our band, it’d be weird!” Kaneki exclaimed. He then realised he’d said it. Our band. Were they really going to do this? Hide had found someone, and so had Kaneki — maybe. That meant they only needed one more person and then…

“Is he nice?” Hide asked, “What’s his name?”

“He seemed kinda snobby, and his name’s Kanae von Rosewald.” Kaneki said.

“Von Rosewald?” Hide asked.

“I think it’s German.”

“Oh.”

Hide seemed to go into some kind of deep thought then, and Kaneki leaned back, studying his friend’s face. Hide always looked cute when he was thinking — not that Kaneki would ever tell him that. But he didn’t feel strange thinking it, they were best friends! It wasn’t weird at all to appreciate that the other was good looking, especially not when they’d known each other almost their whole lives.

Still, Kaneki decided he shouldn’t stare, and looked over to his textbook, opening it and finding the page where he’d left off.

Just as the bell rang, a few more people flooded into the room, one of them sitting right across the walkway from Kaneki. Out of the corner of his eye, he recognised the deep purple hair colour. Wait. He looked over and his fear was confirmed. Kanae was definitely sitting in the same lecture hall as him… Only, he looked a bit different. Not quite so sophisticated as he had before. He still wore a neatly ironed black blouse, but his jeans had a few rips in them, and his face had piercings. Lots of them. Kaneki wondered why he hadn’t been wearing them the other day.

_‘Dammit Ken, not again with the staring.’_ He mentally told himself. Though this time the staring was out of shock and interest, rather than… What would it be called? An aesthetically pleasing sight? Yeah, something like that.

Kaneki quickly turned his head the other way, making Hide look up.

“What is it?” the blond boy asked.

_“Don’t. Turn. Around.”_ Kaneki said through his teeth, starting to sweat.

“What? Is Der Kommissar in town?” Hide asked. Kaneki briefly wondered what he meant, then decided it was probably a reference to the English music Hide always listened to.

Kaneki sighed, “It’s Kanae.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Ken saw Hide look over his shoulder, “The one with the purple hair?” Hide chuckled, “Der Kommissar really is in town.” Der Kommissar must be German for something, Kaneki thought.

“Well,” Hide sighed, “Looks like I’m staying in this class with you today.”

“What? Why?” Kaneki asked, finally turning his head back.

“Well someone has to talk to him later!” Hide said a bit too loudly, a smile plastered on his face.

_Ugh_.

 

When the bell finally rang again, Hide was immediately out of his chair. Kaneki hadn’t been paying attention the entire time, instead worrying about seeing Kanae again.

“Hide, please don’t—“ he started, but it was too late, all Kaneki could do now was watch in awkward agony as Hide slid into the chair next to Tsukiyama’s boyfriend.

He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but at one point Hide pointed at Kaneki, making the black haired boy’s face go red. After a few minutes of excited expressions from Hide and utterly bored ones from Kanae, they both walked over to Kaneki.

“H-Hi.” Kaneki said awkwardly.

“I’ll join your band. Just remember I’m doing you a favour, because if you’re bad, I’m gone.” Kanae abruptly said, nose held high and one eyebrow raised ever so slightly.

“O-Okay?” Kaneki tried to say, but the violinist was already walking out of the lecture hall backpack lazily slouched over one shoulder.

Hide patted Kaneki’s shoulder, “Nice, man! Now we only have to find one more person!” he smiled.

“Yeah, great.” Kaneki said as convincingly as he could.

He couldn’t believe he was really starting a band.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the stupid music pun guys. I wasn't planning on it but then the 'don't turn around' thing came and I remembered Kanae was German and... well here we are.  
> Also, if you follow my tumblr, you know I have a big thing for punk!Kanae B)  
> Anyways, hope you liked this chapter! I'm glad I finally wrote a longer one haha
> 
> Tumblr: attack-on-taco


	4. Movie Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off: I got rid of the F/M and F/F tags on this fic, because those relationships aren't really a main part of the story. I will be writing a side fic to go along with this one centered around one of the background ships in the future.
> 
> So this one came out longer than expected! Expect new characters and fluff in this chapter, I really enjoyed writing it.

“Hey, thanks.” Kaneki typed into his phone, laying on his bed. He was fortunate enough to have his own apartment, so he didn’t have to live in a dorm at Kamii. It wasn’t much, but it was enough. The money he made at Anteiku, together with what his mother had left him after she’d passed, was enough to pay the rent. He was lucky he’d gotten that money at all, after his aunt had tried everything she could to take it from him but she couldn’t, because Ken was a minor when his mother passed, the money wouldn’t go to anyone until he was eighteen.

Yeah, _lucky_ , that’s what he was. Even though he was horribly in debt because of his college tuition. Even though his mother’s savings were about to run out, and he would have nowhere to live. Even though his mother had died when he was so young. Kaneki was lucky.

**Tsukiyama, 9:43 PM**

“You’re welcome! For what, may I ask?”

_What?_

“For getting Kanae to join the band..” he replied.

A few moments passed, and Kaneki’s phone buzzed again.

**Tsukiyama, 9:45 PM**

“He did?? I haven’t seen him all day”

“That’s weird. So u thought he would say no?” Kaneki asked.

**Tsukiyama, 9:48 PM**

“Yes! He seemed so adamant about it” Kaneki’s ex-boyfriend replied after a few moments, followed by a few dramatic shocked emojis.

“What do u think changed his mind??” the black haired boy asked.

**Tsukiyama, 9:50 PM**

“Idk I’ll call him, ttyl” Tsukiyama said, departing from their cellular conversation.

Kaneki laid his phone on the coffee table in front of the sofa he was laying on, and rested his head on a pillow. He sighed, letting his mind wander. He distantly wondered who the infamous fifth member Hide supposedly had found was.

After a while, Kaneki couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore, and let himself drift off — his mind filled with images of everything. School, Anteiku, Touka, Hide — mostly Hide.

 

It wasn’t until someone began pounding mercilessly on his door that Kaneki woke up. Jumping and accidentally kicking the other end of the sofa — hurting his ankle in the process — Kaneki scrambled to grab his phone. 11:27 PM. Who would be at his door at this hour?

“Coming!” he yelled tripping over himself and his surroundings as he got to the door, which was, thankfully, right in the living room where he had fallen asleep.

As he opened the door, Ken tried unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn.

“Movie night!” Hide yelled, a bag of food in one hand and CD boxes in the other. Kaneki made a mental note to make him buy a bag.

“What?” Kaneki asked as Hide came inside.

“Mooooooovie night!” Hide threw over his shoulder, plopping everything out on the sofa, where the movies sprawled out.

“Uh…” Kaneki tried to figure out what to say, “Why?” is all he came up with.

“We’ve never needed one before, have we?” Hide said, “But if you really need one, it’s to celebrate the starting of our band.”

“Oh,” Kaneki chuckled, “right. Well, I mean, I’d love to, but I have an essay I need to write.”

“Ken?”

“Yeah?”

“What time is it?” Hide asked.

“Uh, it’s eleven thirty.” Kaneki said.

“Now see,” the blond started, “if you were gonna write an essay, you would’ve already started. We both know you’d just go to bed if I left.” 

_It’s true._ Kaneki thought.

Hide paused, thinking, then grinned, “Or, should I say, go _back_ to bed?”

Kaneki instinctively smoothed out his bedhead, he knew he always had one after sleeping, but especially when he slept on the couch. The black haired boy smiled, amused by the thought that his best friend knew full well that he had woken him up, but didn’t care.

Kaneki let out a loud sigh, defeated, as he always was by his best friend, “I’ll go make popcorn.”

Hide laughed out loud, that sweet laugh he’d always had, and Kaneki heard him start to unpack the food as he left the room.

 

Kaneki leaned against the side of the sofa opposite to Hide as he ate the last of his favourite burger. An extremely bad movie that was decades old played on his small TV. He picked up the box to inspect the cover, noting that the drawing of the man on the front strongly resembled a troll. ‘Miami Connection’ it was called. Kaneki chuckled to himself.

Looking over, Kaneki realised Hide was really into it, for whatever reason. He decided to disturb his friend anyways, “So,” he started, making Hide look up.

“Hmm?”

“You never told me who this last member of the band is.”

“Oh yeah!” Hide realised, “He’s kinda weird, but like, in a good way. He’s into all this body mod stuff and he wears rainbow suspenders all the time.”

“What does he play?” Kaneki asked.

“Guitar, he’s really good, too.”

“I’ve never heard of him before, how’d you meet him?” Ken wondered.

“Funny story, I was just walking home yesterday and he bumped into me. Actually, he might’ve been trying to rob me, but he didn’t. I’m not even sure how we started talking, but we did. Long story short; he told me he played guitar, and he even had it with him, so he kind just started playing in the middle of the street.”

“Oh…” Kaneki couldn’t deny, this guy sounded interesting, but he tried to rob Hide? That couldn’t be good.

“Hide, are you sure hiring him’s a good idea?” Kaneki asked, concerned, “And what’s his name?”

“Yeah, it’ll be fine, I’m not stupid,” Hide chuckled, “We’ll be around a bunch of people, and we can just send him away if he does anything. And I actually don’t know his name.”

“Ah,” Kaneki sighed, then shrugging, “sure, why not?”

Hide smiled, and the two finished watching ‘Miami Connection’. A few minutes later, a phone buzzed. Kaneki grabbed his, but saw that it was Hide’s as his friend answered the call.

“Hello?” Hide said. His facial expression changed a few times as he listened to the caller. Kaneki tried to hear, but it was too muffled to understand.

“What? Oh no!” Hide exclaimed, then covering the phone and mouthing at Kaneki, “It’s him!”

“Who?” Kaneki mouthed back.

“Him!” Hide mouthed again.

“Yeah, okay. Well just let me know when you’re better. Cool. Feel better soon.” Hide said, about to hang up, “Oh, wait! What’s your name?”

Something came from the other side and Hide smiled, “‘Kay, bye!” then hung up.

“His name’s Suzuya Juuzou, and he broke his arm.” Hide sighed.

“Oh, that sucks.” maybe they wouldn’t have to start a band now? Kaneki then realised that was mean, and decided to help in any way he could.

“It’s okay, he’ll be in touch when he’s better. Besides, I made a flyer in case this happened. I’ll hang it up at school tomorrow.” Hide said, “I just hope he’s okay.”

“Me too, I wonder what happened?” Kaneki said, semi-glad that Hide was going to hang up flyers. Whether he liked it or not, Kaneki was kind of warming up to the idea of starting a band.

“Yeah.” Hide said as the movie rolled the end credits. Kaneki looked on his phone, it was exactly 1:00 AM. He had class the next day, but not until the afternoon, and he was having a good time.

“Wanna watch another movie?” he asked Hide.

“Sure!” Hide picked one out, and they both fell asleep half way through.

 

The next morning, when Kaneki woke up with his head — well, more like his entire upper body — on Hide, he was glad his friend hadn’t noticed, and the black haired boy quickly got up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a picture of the cover of Miami Connection because everyone should see it: http://por-img.cimcontent.net/cms/data/assets/bin-201408/31dce95417e98b47dd8e7cb1fc78fc51_600x400.jpg  
> Hope you liked this one!


	5. Auditions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: If there's no POV indication at the beginning of a chapter, that means it's Kaneki's POV, as he is the default.  
> Wow this one is nice and long again yay

Kaneki had just finished speaking with Tsukiyama. Apparently the only reason Kanae had decided to join was because he was ‘kicked out’ of his orchestra. Or rather, they found someone better and replaced him — and this was his payback. Kanae wanted to become some kind of famous violinist, leading a small college band, to show everyone that he couldn’t be replaced.

Kaneki wasn’t allowed to tell anyone this because Tsukiyama wasn’t supposed to tell anyone. So naturally Kaneki immediately told Hide, making him swear to keep it a secret.

“So I found a music room that isn’t being used today, we’re allowed to hold auditions there.” Hide told Kaneki over his phone.

“Okay, can you text me the room? I’ll be there soon, what time are the auditions?” Kaneki said.

“Yeah, sure. It starts at twelve, so in an hour.” Hide said.

“‘Kay, I’ll be there. Bye!” Ken said, hanging up. He wondered if anyone was actually going to show up besides the current members.

All that aside, now they needed two more members, not just one — thanks to Suzuya’s little incapacitation. Kaneki could only hope they found them. And yes, he was now _hoping_ for more band members. After much consideration, Kaneki decided that starting a band with his best friend would be fun — after all, it’s not like it’s something that just happens every day. Hide was always encouraging him to be more spontaneous with his decisions, and now he was. 

**Touka**

Touka stared at her school’s bulletin board with a vaguely annoyed expression on her face, the one she had perfected so she could keep her boiling rage out of sight from the outside world.

Swiftly, Touka ripped down the audition flyer in front of her, even though it probably wasn’t the only one. In stead of throwing it out, she stuffed it in her backpack so she could angrily wave it in Kaneki’s face during her shift at Anteiku later. First though, she wanted to go home and take a shower, then study and relax. She was going to make the most out of her few hours between school and work, as she always did.

At home Touka immediately threw her backpack on the couch, opening it and grabbing her phone out of it, so she could shove it in her pocket. She then swung by Ayato’s room to make sure he was doing homework, before she jumped in the shower.

When she got out again, she looked at the clock, which read 2:30 PM. She wasn’t used to it being this early when she was home, but her afternoon classes had been cancelled that day, so she had extra time — after all, her shift at Anteiku didn’t start until 7 o’clock. She decided to make a late lunch, and went to ask Ayato if he wanted anything.

When she found no one in his room, she checked all the other places in the house he could be, and came up empty handed. As Touka was grabbing her things to leave and go find him — wherever he was — her eyes fell on her open backpack. Sure enough, when she looked inside, there was no bunched up flyer to be seen.

Upon checking Ayato’s room one last time, there was also no guitar.

**Kaneki**

Kaneki sighed, “It’s almost been three hours, no one’s here.” he said to Hide.

“They’ll come! Just you wait, dude, I promise.” his friend replied, and Kaneki was hopeful that he was right, but since not even Kanae was there, he didn’t expect too much.

His phone suddenly buzzed in his pocket, and the door to the room behind him simultaneously swung open.

Hide turned around, and said, “Hey! Nobody’s come yet.”

Kaneki figured it must be Kanae. He looked at his phone to see Touka calling, and immediately picked up, “Hi.”

“Is he there yet?” she said, sounding angrier than usual.

“Uh, who?”

She groaned, “Never mind, I’m on my way, don’t you dare let him play.” Touka then hung up.

“Huh, that was weird.” Kaneki said to himself.

“What?” Hide asked.

“Touka called, she was freaking out about someone coming here?” Ken explained.

“Isn’t it a good thing if someone comes?” Hide said, confused.

“Apparently not.” Kaneki furrowed his brow. The door behind him opened again.

Kanae was pulling up two chairs, then sitting down and crossing his legs.

“Bonjour!” someone — ‘someone’ obviously being Tsukiyama — exclaimed as he strode up to the empty chair next to Kanae.

“Hi!” Hide said, smiling. Hide knew Tsukiyama pretty well, and had never been uncomfortable around him.

“Uh, hey. What’re you doing here?” Kaneki asked, wondering why there was suddenly extra company.

“Why, I’m here to watch the auditions, of course!” Shuu said, sitting down.

“That’s great, but there’s no one here yet.” Hide said, scratching he back of his blond head awkwardly.

“Ah, I’m sure there will be.” Tsukiyama said as he settled himself and started saying something irrelevant to Kanae.

Kaneki sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in exhaustion. He distantly considered how much progress he could have been making on his essay if he would have stayed home.  
The door flew open again, this time much more roughly. Why did they suddenly have so much company? Kaneki thought it was probably Touka, but when he turned around, it was a smaller, male version of her.

“Ayato?” Kaneki asked.

“This is where the auditions are, right?” the boy demanded.

“Yeah.”

“Good.” Ayato said, slouching his guitar case on one shoulder. Without further adieu, he strode onto the stage and unpacked his black electric guitar, plugging it into an amplifier and turning it up to a setting that seemed like it would be too loud.

Hide looked at Kaneki, “I told you someone would come!”

It was true, someone did come, Kaneki just didn’t expect it to be Touka’s little brother who always seemed mildly angry at everything — especially Kaneki. Ken didn’t know why, but he had an idea that it was because Ayato didn’t want him putting the moves on Touka. Ayato was always obviously protective of his sister, even if it was in his own odd way.

The fourteen year old grabbed the microphone, clearing his throat, “Hi.” was all he said before he started playing.

As Kaneki feared, the amplifier was turned up painfully high. The music, however, was surprisingly good. Ayato obviously knew the whole song by heart, because he easily moved his hands all over the neck of his guitar.

The rock song he played went on for a few minutes, changing its tune every now and then, and the four of them listened as he moved seamlessly from verse to chorus to bridge and back again. When the song concluded, the music echoed out for a moment, before Ayato stopped it with his fingers. He gave a small nod that was probably supposed to be interpreted as a bow, and then unplugged his guitar and packed up.

“Magnifique!” Tsukiyama was the first to respond, clapping.

Hide turned to Kaneki, “That was good.”

Kaneki nodded, “Yeah, but what about Touka?”

Hide shrugged, “I dunno, but we need someone to replace Juuzou and here he is.”

Ken sighed, Hide was right. Ayato was good, and they needed a new guitarist. His internal debate continued until, once again, the door slammed open almost the exact same way it had when Ayato came in. It was Touka.

Ayato’s scoff at Tsukiyama cut off when he noticed his sister had entered the room. He slouched his guitar over one shoulder again and greeted her with just the slightest hint of awkwardness in his voice, “Hey…”

“Don’t you ‘hey’ me Ayato, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Touka said, approaching everyone.

“I told you, Touka, I’m joining a band.”

“Uh, actually, we haven’t said yes—“ Hide tried, but was cut off.

“I’m not doing this here, come on.” she pointed behind her at the door.

“Whatever, I was leaving anyways.” Ayato shrugged, exiting the stage.

“So, now what?” Kaneki half-whispered to Hide, who shrugged with an ‘I don’t know’ look on his face. Great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, I'm already almost done with chapter 6, so I might publish that one later this evening. Unless, my internet goes out again (there's some maintenance crap and it's going out like every hour for and staying out for hours more).


	6. Care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ya go! One more chapter before I go to sleep, hope you like~

**Touka**

Touka had been taking care of everyone since the day she was born, and people always thought of her as some overprotective, clingy weirdo because of it. When she was younger, her father had died of leukaemia, leaving her and Ayato to be sent off to their grandparents, who were — however miraculously — still alive at the time. As soon as Touka turned eighteen, she took her savings from working all over the place since she was thirteen and rented a small apartment for her and Ayato. They’d been living there ever since.

Even though they lived with their grandparents after their father died, they were never taken care of. It was always up to Touka.

And now, she had to take care of Kaneki and Hide, too, with their stupid little band idea. Why couldn’t they just follow simple instructions? Touka knew she could be a bit much sometimes, but she was never unfair. She was smart.

But all being smart had ever gotten her was a low paying job, a few good grades in school, and having to — once again — drag her little brother home from one of his ridiculous escapades.

“So, you wanna tell me what all that was about?” she said, closing their apartment door.

He scoffed, “I told you, I’m going to join a band.”

Touka pinched the bridge of her nose, exhausted, “You don’t have time for a band, Ayato! I know you want to make money and play music but we just can’t do that right now.”

“Who said anything about ‘we’? It’s not like you’re joining the band! This is what I want to do, and you can’t stop me. I’m not a kid anymore, Touka.” Ayato half-yelled at her.

Touka was too tired to resist yelling back, “I’m still your big sister! And I can’t have you going around doing whatever you want, my life isn’t easy! So stop making it harder!”

“I am making your life easier, if anything! I’m doing what dad wanted, I’m taking care of you! You think I don’t see the bills coming through the door everyday? I know we’re going to be out on the street soon if you don’t stop out of Kamii.” he exclaimed in one long breath, eyes wide with anger and a hint of sadness. Perhaps more than a hint, because as soon as he finished, Ayato stomped out of the room, going to his bedroom and locking the door.

Touka collapsed on the couch, closing her eyes. She loved her brother, probably more than was good for her, and she knew he loved her, too. It was obvious he was always trying to protect her, take care of her, even if he thought no one knew. In the meantime he maintained his distanced attitude towards life, the one he had adopted after Arata died. Ayato hadn’t had any real friends in a long time. In that way, Touka admitted joining a band would be good for him, he could meet new people, build connections — build a life for himself. But the world was a huge and horrible place, that they both knew — even though Touka was more conscious of it — and Touka didn’t want to expose him to that, yet, he didn’t deserve it. She would have to think about it. That’s all she could say.

Touka picked up her phone to distract herself. On the screen was a message form hide, reading, “could u tell ayato he’s hired?” Touka sighed at that, opting to call someone she could forget about her problems with. The phone dialed for a moment, before the person on the other line picked up, “Hey, what’s up?”

“Hey Yoriko, nothing, I just wanted to talk.” Touka smiled, even thought her girlfriend couldn’t see it.

“Sure! What about?”

“Do you… Do you remember the other night when you were over and Ayato was playing his guitar?” Touka asked.

“Yeah, of course.” Yoriko said.

“Did he seem like he was enjoying himself, then?” Touka asked.Yoriko was her best friend, girlfriend, and the only person she would ask advice from, even if Yoriko was a little flighty sometimes. Touka liked it.

“Definitely! He was so focused…” Touka could tell Yoriko’s brow was furrowed, “But, Touka, why are you asking me this?”

“Yoriko,” Touka started, hesitating, “Do you think I should let him join a band?”

“He was serious about that?” Yoriko asked.

“Yeah, he auditioned today, and they hired him.”

“Wow! Yeah, let him do it, Touka, it’d be good for him.” her girlfriend replied enthusiastically.

Touka chuckled, “You’re probably right.”

“Always am!” Yoriko laughed.

“Okay, I should go. Love you.” Touka said.

“Love you too.” Yoriko answered, “Bye!” then hung up.

 

Touka laid on the sofa until it was almost time for her shift, then, as she was just about to leave, she peaked in Ayato’s room and motioned that he take out his earbuds.

“What?” he asked.

“You can join the band.” Touka said, leaving immediately thereafter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally intended for this to be longer, but since I wanted to knock a little one out before bed, I thought a sibling-bonding chapter in Touka's POV would be good! I know this may be a little OC (I'm so tired I should not be writing rn) so I might go over it tomorrow and edit some of the dialogue :)


	7. Golden Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning: this chapter is more hidekane than plot hehe  
> Also!! Thank you to tumblr friendos for helping me come up with what Hide smells like!  
> I'm so sorry for mentioning eurovision, it was 4 AM and I just finished watching it lmao  
> ((this chapter's title has a double meaning: I had 'golden boy' in my head while I was writing this chapter, but also Hide is a golden sunshine boy who must be protected))

“Have you heard from Touka yet?” Kaneki asked Hide, looking up from his textbook to see his friend sprawled on the other side of Kaneki’s couch, zapping through the television channels.

Hide checked his phone, “Nah. Give it some time, I’m sure she’ll say yes.”

“Hope so.” Kaneki sighed, “Still, I wonder if it helped that you sent her that message right away? She seemed so angry.”

Hide shrugged and laughed, “She always seems angry! Doesn’t mean she is, though. Some people just look like that.”

Kaneki silently agreed, nodding as his eyes traced along the the giant load of theory in his mathematic book.

“Dude, look!” Hide suddenly exclaimed, a few moments later.

“What?” Kaneki furrowed his brow.

“On the TV, it’s that song contest, Eurovision.” his friend explained. Kaneki remembered hearing about that. He’d never watched it himself, but had heard from other people that it was weird and a bit… homosexual. He also remembered seeing pictures of large men in masks and intimidating clothing somewhere years ago, and he thought that had also been Eurovision. It seemed strange.

“Huh.” Kaneki simply said, ignoring the party music coming from his TV. Hide started humming along to it and nodding his head rhythmically. Kaneki was pretty good at his English course, and when he listened more closely he heard something about ‘golden boys’, he briefly wondered what that was, but decided that it wasn’t important — especially when he had mathematics exams in a few days.

“We should watch it, we could learn something about music in Europe, ’n stuff.” Hide said, looking over at Kaneki.

“I can’t, I really have to study. Don’t you?” Ken asked.

“Yeah, but I already did a bit, the rest can wait ’til tomorrow.” Hide said, “I came over so we could talk about the band.”

Kaneki bookmarked his book and closed it, defeated, “What do we need to talk about?” he tilted his head slightly.

“For starters, even if Ayato joins, we still need one more person.” Hide said, huffing.

“Yeah. Well the flyers are still up, right?” the black haired boy wondered.

“Mm-hmm.” Hide hummed, leaning back against the sofa, “I think it should be a girl.”

Kaneki was confused, “Why?”

“Dude,” Hide started, propping himself up on his elbows so he could look his best friend in the eye, “With you, me, Ayato, and Kanae, it’s a total sausage fest!”

Kaneki’s face probably went a little red, “Hide!”

Hide snorted, falling back again, “You know what I mean.” Kaneki did know what he meant, and even though he also knew his best friend usually enjoyed describing thing crudely, he still got mildly flustered by it. Especially when the euphemisms were for, well, penises, and such. Kaneki didn't know why, but those kinds of things made him uncomfortable — in a weird way, not awkward, but strange — when Hide said them. Kaneki had long since resigned to not understanding himself.

“Well, what do ya think?” Hide asked, snapping Kaneki back out of one of his weird little moments again. He scrambled to find an answer — almost forgetting the question, “Yeah it’s a good idea. We could use a girl.”

“Alrighty, good.” Hide said, putting his attractive-thinking-face on, “So that gives us you; the singer, me; the bassist, Kanae; the violinist, and Ayato; the guitarist. What else do we need?”

Kaneki thought for a moment, “Well, drums would come in handy. Maybe a second guitarist? And a backup singer. Those last two aren’t necessary but I might need some… help, and there are some songs that just need two guitars.” Every time Kaneki got excited about starting a band, it was when he wasn’t thinking about the fact that he was supposedly the lead singer. Him. _A singer._

Hide nodded, “Yeah, I agree with you about the drums and guitar. But dude, trust me, you’re a great singer.”

Kaneki huffed in embarrassment, “How would you even know that?”

Hide winked — _why would he wink why would he do that he should not be allowed to wink_ — then said, “It’s a secret.” and laughed. Kaneki took a moment to grieve for all the girls’ hearts Hide would someday break.

Kaneki quickly buried his head in his textbook again to relieve himself of his embarrassment. The embarrassment that was _definitely only_ from Hide calling him a good singer. That was it. The black aired boy unsuccessfully tried to block out the sound coming from his television, and soon found himself tapping his foot along to a few surprisingly good songs.

It seemed like hours later when Kaneki checked his phone and, yep, it was almost 1:00 AM. Kaneki looked over to see Hide snoring on the couch. They really had to stop falling asleep at each other’s houses every other day.

Kaneki cleaned up his things and turned off the TV, getting ready for bed. Before he went to sleep, he threw a blanket over Hide, tugging him down by his feet a bit because his head was falling over the side. Kaneki had always been fascinated by what a deep sleeper Hide was.

 

The next morning, while Kaneki was eating breakfast with Hide, his friend suddenly exclaimed.

“What is it?” Kaneki asked, immediately concerned. He looked up to see Hide with his phone in his hand, smiling.

“Ayato’s in!” Hide said, beaming.

Kaneki’s eyes went wide, “Really?”

“Yeah!” Hide abruptly stood up and moved to Kaneki’s side of the small dining table. Kaneki was surprised when Hide pulled him in to a tight hug, which Hide was fond of, but still reserved for special occasions — and Kaneki.

Kaneki couldn’t help but smile, too, as he hugged his friend back happily. Hide smelled like old books, trees, cinnamon, and warmth. If happiness had a scent, it would be Hide. Kaneki knew this all too well, after all their years of friendship. Hide didn’t use cologne or anything, it was just him. More than anything, though, Hide smelled like Home, and Kaneki loved that.

When they broke the hug, Hide immediately started again, “Okay, so now we need one more person. I mean, more would be great but one is the minimum!”

“Yeah, how are we going to find anyone?” Kaneki wondered.

“We’ll set another audition date, and hang up more flyers.” Hide said, “We should make some today, when do your classes start?”

“Not until this afternoon; I have time.” Kaneki said, smiling at his friend.

“Cool! Let’s not waste any time, then.” Hide flashed one more blinding smile in Kaneki’s direction before hurrying off to get ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! So hope you liked this chapter, I'm immediately writing the next one cuz I'm all inspired right now yay! I was going to apologise for laying the hidekane on so thick but then I thought "nah"  
> So yeah! It was fun writing this one and let me know what you thought if you want! :)  
> Edit: Hide also smells like vanilla, it is the law of sasaki-highseas


	8. Book Club

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I would like Gih_Bright for their continuous feedback on my fic! I know I haven't responded, but that's simply because I don't really know what to say. So thank you!
> 
> ALSO!! Please read the end notes on this chapter for some explanations! :) Hope you all enjoy~
> 
> And, if anyone cares, I named the girl Kyoko because I watched Ex_Machina last night. It was pretty cool but it was too bad that they felt even robots had to perpetuate eurocentric beauty standards lmao

**Hinami**

Hinami closed her copy of ‘The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle’ by Haruki Murakami, and listened carefully as her club-mate ended their session — even though the speech was almost the same every week.

“Next week we’ll be starting ‘Confessions of a Mask’ by Yukio Mishima, so make sure you all borrow a copy. I hope to see you all again then, and, oh, Hinami; it’s your turn to bring snacks next week!” Kyoko — the leader of their book club — said.

Hinami nodded eagerly, and packed up her things, exiting Kyoko’s living room. Most of the members stayed for a while to talk after the session, but Hinami couldn’t today, she had tutoring with Kaneki, who was probably already waiting for her. So she hurried off.

Thankfully, Anteiku was within walking distance of Kyoko’s house. Hinami was used to the route, as there were often days where Kaneki only had time for tutoring right after Hinami’s book club. One of the perks of having Kaneki Ken as your honorary Big Brother — other than what a wonderful person he was — was the fact that Kaneki had so many books, whenever Hinami needed to borrow a new one for book club, chance were she could borrow it from him.

As she skipped happily across the street — which was, that day, hot enough to fry an egg, since summer was near — Hinami stopped to pet most of the animals she saw. She’d always had a way with them, but had never been able to have a pet of her own. Her mother — Ryouko — unfortunately didn’t have the time nor the money.

Upon entering Anteiku, Hinami was greeted by the scent of fresh coffee and summer-themed sandwiches. She was immediately greeted by Koma, who informed her he’d go get Kaneki with a smile.

“Good afternoon, Hinami.” Kaneki said, entering the room. Hinami followed him to a booth where they’d be going over new kanji today.

**Touka**

“So, Touka, I heard your boyfriend was starting a band.” Nishiki leaned too far over the counter Touka was cleaning, while he wore one of his stupid arrogant grins.

“He’s not my boyfriend, you idiot.” Touka retorted without a second thought.

“But he _is_ staring a band?” Nishiki raised an eyebrow.

Touka sighed, rolling her eyes, “Yeah. What of it?”

“Good. I want in.” Nishiki crossed his arms in seriousness — if he was even capable of it.

“What?” Touka sneered, finally looking up and eyeing him carefully. The bastard was always up to something.

“I’m bored.” Nishiki shrugged, “I’m joining.”

“Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“What? Slack off on my schoolwork and scrub tables in this shithole? Nah.” he said.

Nishiki was gone before Touka could protest, so she just let out an annoyed, “Ugh.” to herself.

**Kaneki**

Hinami seemed to be spacing out, not focusing on the explanations Kaneki was giving her, which was odd, seeing as she was usually extremely focused.

Kaneki donned an immediately concerned expression, “Hina, is something wrong?”

Hinami gasped a little, as if he’d pulled her out of some sort of trance, “No, it’s nothing.” she smiled a small smile, but she was obviously hiding something.

“Did something happen?” Kaneki pushed, he didn’t want anything bad to happen to Hinami.

“No!” she started, her face speaking that she was trying to come up with a good answer, “I mean… yes. But it’s not a bad thing.” Hinami looked at her hands under the table as she fidgeted with her shirt sleeves.

Kaneki tilted his head slightly, and leaned an elbow on the table, “Then it shouldn’t be a problem for you to tell me?” he smiled a little.

Hinami’s face went entirely red, and she thought hard for a few moments, before coming to a decision and blurting out, “You have a date!”

The smile on Kaneki’s face was replaced with confusion, “Sorry, what?”

“I… met someone at my book club, she was really nice and, well, you have a blind date with her in two days…” Hinami said, barely above a whisper.

“Oh.” Ken said as light heartedly as he could, “I see. Well it’s nice of you to think of me, Hina, but—“

Uncharacteristically, Hinami cut him off, “Big Brother, I’m just worried about you! I’ve never seen you with anyone and you’ve seemed a bit lonely lately.” she pouted.

Ah, yes. In Hinami’s, and the world’s eyes, Kaneki Ken had never been in a relationship with anyone. The thing was, his relationship with Tsukiyama had remained a secret to everyone but him, Shuu, and Hide — who he’d confided in — for it’s entirety. And, Kaneki thought, for good reason. He had loved Tsukiyama, but not like other people loved. He’d loved to cuddle with him, watch movies, go on dates, all of that — just not, _other things._ Things everyone else did do. After six months not kissing — not with tongue, at least — and definitely not having sex with Tsukiyama, Kaneki decided that what they had must have been nothing more than a close friendship with a romantic title. And so he broke it off. Since that time, Kaneki had fancied himself straight as a board, and put the entire thing behind him. Though he couldn’t help but sometimes feel guilty for leading Shuu on like that, when, for Kaneki, it was nothing more than experimenting. The whole thing was simply confusing to Ken, and that was why it was something he liked to ignore out of his past.

Kaneki did understand why Hinami thought Kaneki seemed lonely, and, in a way, he was — he craved some kind of companionship — but after Tsukiyama, he wanted to take some time. At that thought, though, Kaneki thought perhaps a year was enough, and decided that he would go on that blind date. Why not? He’d been doing all kinds of impulsive things lately.

He smiled at Hina, “Sure. Could you give me the details?”

She was immediately excited, and scrambled to write down everything for him.

 

It was about time for Hinami to go home, and, as she was saying goodbye to Kaneki, seemed to remember something.

“Oh, Big Brother?”

“Hmm?”

“Is it true you’re starting a band with Hide?” she asked.

How did she know that? Kaneki shuffled a bit, “Oh, yeah.”

“Well, could I… Maybe, join you?” she asked.

Well that was definitely not what Kaneki was expecting to hear, and though Hide’s words ‘we need a girl’ rung in his ears, Kaneki hesitated, “Ah, well you could, I suppose, but would you have any time?”

“It’s almost summer break, and mom thinks I should do something new. I love singing and thought it would be fun.” she explained.

“Well, that does make sense.” Kaneki said, and before he started telling her that she was too young, he remembered they already had another fourteen year old in the band, “Sure, you can audition.” he smiled.

“Yay! I will, when?” she asked.

“Ah, tomorrow afternoon at Kamii.” he said.

“Alright, I’ll find it.” Hinami smiled, before walking out the door with an extra skip in her step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Explanation: it probably seems like Kaneki is asexual in my story, I would just like you all to not assume anything, because there will be further explanations in a few chapters! I promise!


	9. Celebration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **DO NOT READ THE UPDATED TAGS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED**
> 
> Okay, now that we have that out of the way, here it is! I'm sorry for not updating sooner, but I promise that this'll make up for it. This is the longest chapter so far, and I had so much fun writing it! Hope you enjoy~

It was not long after Hinami stepped off the small stage in their designated audition room, that it was decided she was hired. She had sung a small song, but her voice was high and powerful, and would make a good contrast to the rest of them. Of course, she wouldn’t be a full-time part of the band, but she would participate in songs that required female backup during her summer break. A bit like Tsukiyama wanted to do with the piano, except he’d asked a hundred times and they still hadn’t given him a straight answer.

“Yay!” Hinami squealed, running towards Kaneki and hugging him from his seat.

He chuckled lightly before letting go and looking at the time on his phone, Kaneki then turned to Hide, who was sitting m=next to him like the last time, “I don’t think anyone else is coming, should we go now?”

Hide seemed to want to say something positive to encourage them to stay, but then let out the breath he was holding and thought for a moment, before saying, “We still don’t have a drummer, though.”

That was true, and even though Kaneki didn’t expect anyone else to show up, he decided to be the positive one for once, “Alright, let’s stay a little while then.” he smiled.

Hide perked up at that, and relaxed back into his chair.

It wasn’t long thereafter that the doors burst open again from behind them, a sound Kaneki was luckily becoming accustomed to at this point.

Hide gasped and jumped up, turning around to see who it was.

“…Nishiki?” Kaneki and Hide said at the same time.

“No, it’s Touka.” the older student rolled his eyes, “Of course it’s me.”

“How did you find us?” Kaneki asked.

“You have flyers all over the school. But actually Hinami told me.” Nishio said, pointing at the fourteen year old girl.

“Oh, okay then.” Kaneki said, “Did you come to audition or…?”

“What else would I be here for?” Nishiki said as though it were obvious, stepping in front of Kaneki, Hide, Tsukiyama, and Kanae’s seats.

“Well, you don’t have an instrument so I thought maybe—“ Ken started before being cut off by the upperclassman.

“Tch. You want me to carry around an entire drumset?” Nishiki scoffed, “You do have one here, don’t you?”

“Uh…” Kaneki chuckled nervously, kicking Hide in the leg softly even though there was nothing in front of them to hide the action.

“Yeah, I can get one, hold on!” Hide scrambled up and out of the room to go find Nishiki a drumset.

Nishio sighed, annoyed, and sat down in Hide’s seat. Adjusting his glasses, he looked over at Kaneki, “So, you have many people yet or what?”

“Yeah, we’ve got Kanae,” Kaneki gestured to Tsukiyama’s purple haired boyfriend, “and Hinami and Ayato.”

Nishio raised an eyebrow, “Ayato? That emo kid that comes to Anteiku sometimes?”

Kaneki — and a few of the people sitting next to him — chuckled lightly and responded, “Yeah, him.”

“Huh. And Hinami, too. So are you all going to play children’s songs?” the upperclassman mocked.

Kaneki wanted to remark on how Nishiki was the one who wanted to join him, but, seeing as it was in his nature to avoid conflict, Kaneki decided not to, and instead just laughed the comment off.

A few moments passed, and Nishio sighed, “Where the hell is Hide?”

Kaneki shrugged, “I could go find him?”

“No need! I’m here!” Hide called, opening the doors and pulling in an entire drumset that was stacked on a trolly of some sort, “A little help here?”

After it was all set up on the stage, Nishiki walked up and rearranged everything they had gotten wrong with a small, “Tch.” After that, the upperclassman wasted no time in seating himself and making an unintentionally grand performance out of his skills.

He was talented, and made sure to go through all kinds of beats before he ended — slow, fast, chaotic, mellow, etcetera.

Nishiki eyed the band members carefully as they conversed as to whether they should hire him. It was almost unanimous — save for Kanae — and so they decided he was in. They needed a drummer, after all. Kaneki still wanted to ask the upperclassman why he wanted to join the band in the first place, but before he could, Hide began to make an announcement.

The blond boy cleared his throat, “Alright, guys! So I think that our band is complete now! And for that, we have to celebrate. I’ve already figured out how we’ll be doing so, too.” he said, obviously proud of himself, “We’re all going out for burgers tonight, and maybe after that we’ll go for some drinks. Obviously our younger members won’t be joining us for that part. I’m gonna start a chat group for the band and send you all the address and time!”

Hide went over to Kaneki, “Hey, do you have Ayato’s number? I would ask him but, well, he’s not here.” the blond chuckled.

“Yeah uh, I’ll text it to you.” Kaneki said, pulling out his phone, “D’you know why he’s not here?”

“Nope, we’ll have to ask him later I guess.” Hide shrugged, before thanking Kaneki and going around the room to collect phone numbers.

 

“To the band!” Hide raised his glass of cola in celebration.

“To the band!” the rest of them imitated the action, some more enthusiastically than others.

The seven of them were crammed into the largest booth they could find at the restaurant. Seven instead of five, because their two ‘honorary’ members — Tsukiyama and Touka — were joining them. It was about 8:30 PM and their food had just been served.

What all of them were eating, and the fashion in which they were doing so, revealed a lot about their individual characters. Even though everyone knew one another well enough to already be accustomed to the traits they were showing, Kaneki still found it amusing to observe.

Tsukiyama and Kanae had both ordered some sort of fancy steak burger with special dressings, and they ate them with forks and knives. Not exactly the customary way to eat fast food, Kaneki thought. He also thought that it was wonderful how much alike the two were, and he was glad to see them happy together.

Then there was Ayato, who had deliberately sat as far away as the small booth allowed from his sister, eating his burger. Which was the spiciest one on the menu — his face was trying to mask the fact that his mouth was in the fiery infernos of hell, it seemed. The fourteen year old seemed to always be trying to impress everyone around him without making it seem like he was, even if no one cared.

Kaneki and Hide were sitting next to each other, eating their favorite burgers the same as they always did. Ken knew Hide so well, he didn’t even have to observe him to know what he was doing anymore.

Next was Hinami, sitting quietly in a corner eating a simple but large cheeseburger. A cheeseburger that she was eating rather quickly. Kaneki didn’t often see Hinami eating, but when she did, she ate a lot. She was like that in a lot of ways; she didn’t show it on the outside, but she was very capable — much more so than people expected.

Finally, there was Touka. Her food wasn’t much, and Kaneki knew this was because she didn’t have a lot of money to spend. So he offered her some of his food, but she refused, her everlasting pride most likely getting in the way. He would make sure to get something extra for her later that evening.

When the time to leave rolled around — after an at first awkward dinner, which later turned into something that was a bit more relaxed, though no one seemed entirely comfortable yet — Touka was saying her goodbyes to everyone, and Kaneki approached her,

“Aren’t you staying for drinks?” he asked.

She shrugged, “I don’t want to leave Ayato home alone. He, uh, well he’s just not feeling too good today.”

“Oh my god I told you I was fine.” Ayato’s voice called from the the booth, making Touka roll her eyes.

“Yeah, why wasn’t he at auditions today?” Kaneki asked.

Touka sighed, “Long story. I’ll tell you some other time.”

Kaneki watched as Touka went to turn away, but noticed how her face fell just a tiny bit, and grabbed her arm, “Hey, seriously, you should come out tonight.”

“Yeah? Well what am I supposed to do about Ayato?” she said.

Just then, the little bell fastened to the entrance door of the restaurant they were in rang, signalling a new customer entering. Or, well, this wasn't a customer. Rather, it was Hinami’s mom, here to pick her up. Kaneki suddenly had an idea, so he gestured to Ryouko, then made a ‘how about that?’ face at Touka.

She was about to protest, but it seemed like she thought his idea was a good one as well when she went to say bye to Hinami, and started talking to Ryouko.

Kaneki couldn’t make out what they were saying, but Touka seemed thankful as she went to tell Ayato something, who, in his turn, began to protest.

As Kaneki stepped closer, he could hear, “No way! I son’t need a babysitter. What, you want to put me with some girl I don’t even know?”

“Yeah. C’mon, make friends.” Touka said.

Ayato huffed in annoyance but seemed to understand that when his sister decided something, she wasn’t going to change her mind. Touka ruffled his hair as he trudged off, earning her a hand slapping hers away.

Ken chuckled as he saw Ayato make an attempt at something like an introduction to Ryouko. Then Kaneki averted his attention to go talk with Hide.

“So,” Kaneki started, not finishing his sentence, as he was sure Hide already knew the question.

“I already picked a bar! It’s on the other side of town but it’s totally worth it.” the blond explained.

“Okay then, should we leave right away?” Kaneki asked.

“Yup! There should be a train coming soon, so we’ll wanna make it.” Hide said.

Kaneki nodded, finished saying his goodbyes to Hinami, Ryouko, and Ayato, then grabbed the rest to notify them on what they were doing.

 

“No, dude, I’m totally serious, I saw an alien.” Hide said, with the most intense face he could muster while looking Kaneki dead in the eyes.

“No way, you would have told me about it right away if you had.” Kaneki scoffed.

At this point in the evening, it was nearly midnight, and all of them had had more than a few drinks. At least, after the whole commotion with IDs. The bartender didn’t believe them when they’d said they were all above twenty, and even went so far as to say that their IDs were fake. Thankfully, a while later, it was all cleared up.

Kaneki and Hide were sitting in between Touka and Nishiki — on their right — arguing continuously about something stupid, and Kanae and Tsukiyama — on their left — who had been, to put it delicately, playing tongue hockey for the better part of an hour.

Kaneki had been successfully ignoring them for the most part, but when he went to order another beer, he had accidentally made eye contact with Tsukiyama. Uncomfortable, Kaneki turned back to Hide and cleared his throat while wearing a forced smile. Hide immediately knew what this meant and made a gagging face before laughing loudly.

“Okay, so what’re we having next?” the blond then asked.

“I dunno, I’m pretty drunk, Hide.” Ken said. A bit embarrassed because he’d only had three beers.

“But you only had three beers!” Hide stated the obvious, “Fine, one more drink, but it can’t be beer. Or water. Or wine. Or anything with a low alcohol content.”

Kaneki wasn’t sure whether to protest or mock Hide back. They were both complete lightweights, as Hide had also only had four beers.

Still though, Kaneki accepted the challenge, and turned around to order something while successfully averting Kanae and Tsukiyama, “Hey, bartender!” he called, over confident.

She turned around, a large smile plastered on her face, “How can I help ya?”

Kaneki leaned in, looking at her name-tag, “I— Itori!” he said, too drunk to be worried about her thinking he was staring at her boobs, “Yeah, uh, can we get two, uh,” he quickly scanned the bottles stacked behind the counter, “Jägermeisters?”

“Sure, hon.” Itori turned to get their drinks.

“Ooh.” Hide chuckled, wiggling his eyebrows at Kaneki — who simply eyed him, trying not to laugh.

A few moments later, not two, but four shots of Jägermeister were presented to them, “Uh, I asked for two shots.” Kaneki said, trying not to sound mean.

Itori shrugged, “It’s on the house.” Kaneki briefly wondered if she wanted to see him pass out.

Kaneki prepared himself to drink the stuff none the less, he looked at Hide, “On three.” he said, grabbing a shot.

Hide nodded and took one for himself.

“Three, two, one.” they said together, before pouring whatever the hell that was into their mouths oh my god is that gasoline. Kaneki’s thoughts wandered back to his frequency in bad decision making as he swallowed the elixer of death.

Immediately after it was downed Kaneki started practically coughing his lungs out, while Hide sat and laughed at him. When his fit of hacking up his internal organs had passed, Kaneki looked up at his friend, curious as to why the same wasn’t happening to him — only to reveal that Hide’s face was entirely the colour of a ripe tomato. It didn’t take long for Hide to stop being able to hold his breath and go through the same process as Kaneki had.

The second shot wasn’t any better.

 

“Hide. Hide wake up.” Kaneki chuckled, nudging his friend, who had fallen asleep on the train home.

“Huh? Oh, I was just resting my eyes.” Hide jumped up.

Kaneki snorted, “Sure.” then, when he was sure Hide was awake enough, he continued, “Hey, I wanted to ask you somethin’”

“Hmm?”

“Why’d we have to go all the way to that bar across town?” Ken asked.

Hide’s eyes went wide as he seemed to remember something, “Oh no!” he exclaimed, making everyone else on the train look at them, “We were supposed t’do karaoke!”

Kaneki laughed, “What?”

“Yeah it was supposed to be, like, your initiation!” Hide went on.

Kaneki was extremely drunk, but not drunk enough to not be thankful for the fact that Hide had forgotten about karaoke. If he hadn’t, he probably would have forcefully dragged Kaneki onto the stage to sing.

Hide fell asleep again after a few minutes, and Kaneki didn’t wake him up until they were at the stop they had to get off to go back at his — his being Kaneki’s — place.

The two stumbled across the dark streets of Tokyo, holding on to one another for dear life. Making bad jokes about whatever cmd to mind, and laughing far too much about them.

When they finally arrived at Kaneki’s door, it took the black haired boy at least three tries before he got the key into the lock.

Hide was laughing as he leaned against the wall next to him, “What’s the matter Ken, can’t find the hole?” Hide often said questionable things, but he only made such vulgar jokes when he was drunk. Thankfully, when Hide was drunk, chances were Kaneki was too, and when Kaneki was drunk he could actually appreciate Hide’s dirty jokes. So the black haired boy laughed — almost loud enough to wake up the neighbours — as he and Hide stumbled in his front door.

Kaneki had just enough sense of responsibility left to lock the door behind him, before he collapsed on his sofa, where Hide already was sprawled out.

Ken sighed as he stared up into his ceiling, finding patterns and objects as if he were studying clouds. He felt the sudden urge to share this with Hide.

“Hey,” Kaneki pointed up, “D’you see that cat?”

“Where?” Hide propped himself up on his elbows.

“There.” Kaneki kept pointing at the same spot. Hide Stared at said spot until he found something reminiscent of a cat as well, “Ohh!” the blond said, “Yeah, I see it.” before falling back into the sofa.

Kaneki sat up, focusing on Hide, and lending him a hand to sit up as well.

“You remember that time we had a school field trip in elementary school? When we went to that theme park and you wanted me to go on the roller coaster with you, but I was too scared, so you didn’t go either?” Kaneki asked, suddenly wanting to reminisce.

Hide chuckled lightly, “Yeah, ‘course I do. Why?”

“Let’s go back there. I wanna go on that ride with you.” Kaneki said, to hide, but also to himself.

“Yeah. That sounds great.” Hide smiled that signature smile of his.

They were just quiet for a long time then, both sitting with their legs crossed and their knees touching. Sometimes they would look at each other, but mostly they would just stare off into space. It was nice, Kaneki thought — peaceful.

It was after a while that Kaneki noticed Hide. He was wearing his beautiful thinking face again, If Kaneki had ever been ashamed to call Hide beautiful, that shame had been stripped from him this night. Maybe it was his drunkenness, but at the moment, Kaneki felt more sober than ever.

Kaneki wondered what his friend was pondering, but didn’t want to disturb his train of thought by asking him. Hide, however, told Kaneki himself a few moments later,

“Hey, Kaneki?”

Kaneki waited a moment before answering, “Yeah?”

“What’s wrong?” Hide asked.

“What do you mean?” Ken was confused, why would anything be wrong?

“You’ve been acting weird all day, and I’m kinda worried. What’re you not telling me?” Hide looked genuinely concerned, which, in turn, made Kaneki feel concerned.

Kaneki thought for a moment, wondering in what way he’d been acting weird. He could only come to one conclusion, the thing he’d been trying not to think about all day; his blind date tomorrow. Kaneki wasn’t sure when he’d left reality, but Hide’s little reminder surely brought him back to it.

Indeed, the next day — or actually, the same day, seeing as it was already nearing 3:00 AM — at 7:00 PM, Kaneki Ken had a blind date with a girl, set up by Hinami. Kaneki wasn’t exactly dreading it, but he also definitely wasn’t looking forward to it. He wanted to have a social life, a dating life, but he just didn’t think he could. What if they wanted to kiss him? Or worse? He wasn’t up for that. He could try, but he would most likely make a fool of himself and be abandoned by whomever this girl was immediately.

Next, Kaneki wondered what signs of distress he had shown. He knew Hide was extraordinarily perceptive, but Kaneki was sure he’d been acting normally all day. Then again, he wasn’t very self aware when it came to such things.

“I’m fine, really.” Kaneki said, subconsciously bringing a hand up to his chin.

Hide’s look of concern only deepened, if that was even possible, and so Kaneki decided to just come clean.

“I… have a date, tomorrow.” he said.

Hide’s eyes went wide, “What? No way dude! That’s great!” he cheered.

Kaneki chuckled humourlessly, “Yeah…”

“So what’s the problem?” Hide then asked.

“Ah, well, I’m not sure. It’s just… What if she wants to, y’know, kiss me?” Kaneki said, not dancing around it at all, he was far too tired to pretend, especially since Hide was his best friend.

Hide laughed a bit, before stopping himself, “Why, haven’t you kissed anyone before? Tsukiyama?”

“Well, yeah, but not _kissed_ kissed.” Ken said, scratching the back of his head, embarrassed.

“Oh.” Hide said, thinking again, “Well, I mean, don’t worry about it man… It’s easy.”

“Yeah?” Kaneki asked, looking up from his previously averted gaze.

“Mm-hmm.”

“I dunno, man. I just don’t.” Kaneki said, at a loss for words, “Have you kissed a lot of people?”

Hide chuckled momentarily, “A few.” And there it was again. Hide’s glorious expression of concentration. Kaneki wondered what it could be this time, he was hoping it would be something that would redirect the conversation. But his gut feeling said something entirely different, and he prayed that for once his gut was wrong. It was probably just him, though — no thanks to his alcohol consumption from earlier that night.

Now it was Hide’s turn to act weird, looking away, eyes darting around — it lasted a few agonising minutes. Then Hide began to laugh. Not just a chuckle, or a giggle — no, it was a loud, resounding laugh that echoed through Kaneki’s living room.

Kaneki attempted to laugh with him, but when he found that made the situation awkward, he opted to wait for his friend to finish, before asking him, “What was that all about?”

Catching his breath, Hide answered, “Oh, pfft, no it’s nothing I just thought of something stupid…”

“Tell me.” Kaneki chuckled, for real this time.

“Well… Like, wouldn’t be weird if I, like said…” Hide started — Kaneki noted his excessive use of filler words, and wondered if it was because he was drunk or… something else? — the blond laughed briefly again before continuing awkwardly, “If I like, said you could practice on …” Hide’s voice trailed off, “Me…”

_Oh my god._

Kaneki laughed aloud, “Pfft, yeah, that’d be so weird!”

Hide joined him. But their laughter wasn’t the same anymore. After a while, Hide mumbled something.

“Hmm?” Kaneki asked.

“I said, unless, you, y’know, wanted to.”

_Oh. My. God._

What was he supposed to say to that? _‘How drunk are you?’, ‘Nah, that’s fine.’_ , or _‘Sure, buddy, let’s make out!’._ Kaneki’s mind was, in that moment, ninety-nine percent question marks… And one percent something he really didn’t want to focus on.

_No. No. Just say no. He’s joking. You know he’s joking, right? Ken, you’re straight. Your best friend is straight._

But then there was that other part of his mind.

_Maybe it’s a good idea. You know you need practice. That’s all it is. You can pretend he’s a girl. It’s fine._

Kaneki shook his head in the most minimal way, but he was sure Hide had still picked up on it. The thing was, though, the shaking of his head wasn’t directed towards Hide. It was towards himself. He was saying no to the voice in his head. The only problem was, Kaneki didn’t know which voice he was rejecting.

“Yeah, you’re right, that was stupi—“ Hide started, backing off, only to be interrupted by Kaneki,

“Okay.”

And in that moment, Kaneki knew which part of his mind he’d chosen to follow.

Hide just blinked at him for a while after that, and Kaneki was sure Hide was laughing at him internally. Yet his expression was unreadable. It was just a stupid joke, right? And Kaneki had fallen for it. Why did he always have to be so gullible?

But then there was a change in Hide’s face. First it was a grin, then it transformed into a smile that soon spread all across the blond’s bright face. Kaneki didn’t know why Hide looked so… What was the word, pretty? No. Happy? No, not that either. No, Hide looked radiant. Kaneki always saw the world in brighter colours when he was intoxicated, but never like this — and he definitely didn’t mind.

“Cool.” Hide then said.

Maybe it wasn’t a joke after all.

The following few minutes, however, proved that smooth sailing still wasn’t in the cards for Hide and Kaneki. In fact, what happened next was possibly the most awkward situation Kaneki had ever been in.

There was a lot of muffled — as well as not so muffled — laughter, giggling, goofing off, before the two of them settled comfortably. Neither of them really had to say anything. They simply had to exchange a few glances, from Hide, they were mostly questioning. ‘You sure?’ then laughter, ‘Okay?’ then more laughter.

On Kaneki’s part it closer to something like, ‘Yeah.’ laughter, ‘Wait, no.’ more laughter, ‘Okay, yeah.’

Then finally, with one last reassurance from Hide, they stopped laughing.

The two settled into the sofa comfortably, knees now firmly pressed together. As Hide took both Kaneki’s hands in his, Ken noticed they were shaking. _Hide’s_ hands were shaking. Was he really nervous?

“‘Kay, so just… Put your hands there…” Hide’s said as he gently placed Kaneki’s hands by his hips, before clearing his throat lightly, and letting out one last forced chuckle.

Hide then put his own hands on Kaneki’s shoulders and took a deep breath. What followed was possibly the slowest closing in of faces in the history of the universe.

When, finally, after a long time, Hide was hovering just less than an inch in front Kaneki, perfectly lined up.

One last time, Hide asked, “Yeah?”

Caught up in his thoughts — which ranged from, _‘wow, he smells even better from here’_ , to _‘what in the hell do I think I’m doing’_ — Kaneki took a moment to answer, but when he did, it was just a whisper, he breathed, “Yeah.”

And Hide came closer.

The ticking of his clock. The blaring of car horns outside. Every single noise — loud and quiet alike — was drowned out by the sound of Kaneki’s heartbeat, and Hide’s breathing.

At first, it felt like a bird’s feather, just the lightest brushing of lips. Delicate and gentle. A moment later, it became more than that. Hide pushed, but just a bit, pressing their lips together completely.

While it was all happening, Kaneki couldn’t help but notice how amazingly soft Hide’s lips were. It was to be expected, though.

Kaneki remembered a few things from kissing Tsukiyama. This was as far as they’d ever gone, but he still knew what to do.

As he moved his mouth a bit against Hide’s, Kaneki couldn’t believe he wasn’t entirely frozen. He did amaze himself sometimes — and this felt like the best time to do so.

Hide gladly obliged, and moved just in sync with Kaneki, tilting their heads ever so slightly to either side.

_Imagine a girl. Imagine a girl. Imagine a girl._ Kaneki repeated the words in his head. But how could he imagine someone when he didn’t even know what they’d look like? Why did his imagination have to fail him now, of all times? Kaneki then told himself that said imagination was failing because he couldn’t control it — not because he _wanted_ it to fail.

He only wanted it to be Hide.

Instinctively, Kaneki’s hands moved upwards, to Hide’s waist, accidentally dragging the blond’s shirt with them.

Kaneki guessed that Hide took this as a bit of an invitation, as his hands moved up Kaneki’s neck, one ruffling through his hair and the other rubbing tiny circles at the base of Ken’s neck — sending shivers down his spine.

Kaneki noted that Hide wouldn’t do anything until Kaneki did it first — and that he greatly appreciated. His friend was so in-tune with him, neither of them ever had to worry.

The black haired boy wasn’t sure where all this sudden bravery was coming for — wait, yes he did; it was definitely the alcohol — but he wasn’t protesting it in the slightest.

His next movement was an unexpected one, even to him. Kaneki removed one hand from Hide’s waist, and brought it up to the blond’s chin. With his thumb under Hide’s bottom lip, he slowly, _slowly_ , opened Hide’s mouth.

Hide gasped at the sudden action, but went along with it easily.

It was just as Kaneki opened his own mouth that it hit him. This was it. He was having his very first open-mouthed kiss, _with his best friend._

It scared him half to death — luckily Hide, in all his lively happiness, counteracted that for him — and his heart started beating even faster than it already was. His face probably went red as a strawberry, but he didn’t care, really.

Ken then noticed that Hide — in his surprisingly gentlemanly ways — wasn’t doing anything. Kaneki had to change that, of course.

There wasn’t any kind of strategy to it, really, so Kaneki supposed that he should, instead of overanalysing exactly how he should go about it, just go ahead and do something with his tongue.

It was… Sloppy. Not exactly awkward, but the feeling was very strange at first. What did people love about rubbing their tongues together so much? It didn’t matter, Kaneki supposed, so he decided to just feel around a bit — explore — until he came to understand why he should enjoy this.

And, _oh_ , he did.

Once Hide helped a bit — that was what the whole idea of this was, wasn’t it? — Kaneki found himself enjoying it. Maybe a bit too much, since Hide was still his best friend — and a guy.

He briefly tried to ask himself why this was happening. Why him? Why did this feel like something he should have done a long time ago? The questions were there, but the good sense of judgement that told him to stop was out the window. So he didn’t stop.

He tried massaging Hide’s tongue a bit with his own, as he moved his hands up higher, a finger trailing along Hide’s spine and along his next until both Kaneki’s hands were intertwined with Hide’s golden hair.

If Ken was not mistaken, he sensed that Hide was just as into it as he was.

Time didn’t stop, the way it does in books, but it did become entirely irrelevant. This is why Kaneki had no idea how long they went on for.

The room was quiet except for muffled gasps and soft moans. And sometimes, “Kaneki…” between breaths.

He wasn’t supposed to open his eyes, that much he knew, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to _see_ Hide, and he was so glad when he did. His friend looked picturesque, like the kind of character you’d read about in a book. Kaneki took a mental picture of that moment, because he never wanted to lose the image. He then closed his eyes again.

When had he started straddling Hide? Kaneki didn’t know, but apparently he had, as he now was sitting in the others lap, knees on either side of Hide’s hips. He was glad for that position, because it allowed Hide to move to Kaneki’s neck. His work there started the same way it had before, softly, gently, until it grew rough, and intense. Kaneki was quite sure he’d have marks there the next day.

When Kaneki would make any kind of a noise, Hide only seemed to be encouraged. And when the blond finally stopped, Kaneki breathed out a needy, “Hide…”

After that, they returned to each others lips, but it wasn’t as careful or clumsy as before, it was direct, and passionate. They bit down on each others lips and scraped their teeth across them.

In that moment, Kaneki was the happiest he’d been in a long time.

Kaneki briefly let go, only to say something, “Hide I—“

And then Hide’s phone rang.

It took a few moments before Hide moved to answer it though, as he gave Kaneki a lingering look, with eyes that Kaneki had never seen before.

Then, he sighed and reached for his phone, Kaneki stumbled back off of Hide’s lap, only just realising how weak his legs were.

Hide stood up and paced around as he answered the phone, “Hello?”

He wiped the sleeve of his shirt on his mouth as he listened to the other side of the line.

“What? I— No, Nishiki, I don’t think cockateels can understand poetry.” Hide said, “Yeah, okay bye.”

The ending of Hide’s short conversation was muffled to Kaneki’s ears as he walked slowly to his bedroom. He wasted no time in getting under the covers and closing his eyes.

There were footsteps coming to his bedroom, “Kaneki?” Hide called softly. But he was granted no answer as Kaneki pretended to sleep.

“Goodnight, Ken.”

After Hide closed the door and shuffled back to the hallway, Kaneki whispered to himself as he began to realise what a mistake he had made, and that he’d been more sober than ever while doing so, “Goodnight, Hide.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's better than this? Just guys being dudes.
> 
> ((I confess that I have never written a kissing scene before and I really tried so I hope it came out good!))
> 
> Edit: I added a lil something to the kissing scene, cuz I forgot to write it in oops


	10. Wilful Amnesia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a really hard time writing this chapter, so I hope it came out okay. If there are more typos than usual in this one, I'm sorry! I wrote this when I was super tired, and as always, it wasn't beta'd, so :| Also: the updates may come just a bit slower for a few weeks (no more than a month, hopefully) so probably like one chapter a week instead of two. This is cuz I have like 15 regular exams and 20 exams that I've missed from earlier in the year, and I have to do the all within 4 or 5 weeks if I want to go through to the next grade. Ugh.  
> Anywho, enjoy~

Before he even opened his eyes to the cruel world he would have to face that day, Kaneki noticed his absolutely horrifying headache, and the double-knot that was now his stomach. On top of that, he had 7 AM classes — and it was 8:30 AM.

He practically fell out of his bed as he tried to ignore every light source in his house. Luckily, he was still in his clothes from the day before, so he would only have to put on his shoes and leave.

He fished his sunglasses out of his bedside drawer, and ran a smoothing hand through his hair. He decided to quickly drink some water before leaving, so he rushed to the kitchen sink and grabbed a glass.

His kitchen was open, though, so you could see the whole living room from the fridge. And what he heard as the tap ran was possibly the most horrifying thing he’d heard in his life. Hide snoring on the couch.

That was probably what set Kaneki over the edge, he thought, as he vomited into the sink. After that, he didn’t bother filling his glass, instead opting to rinse his mouth directly from the tap.

His thoughts darted to everything except _that thing_ , and he remembered to take his phone from the coffee table in front of Hide. He then thought he could quietly leave, but apparently there was another problem.

Kaneki accidentally glanced at his reflection in the TV. At first he thought it was a glare, or that he’d seen it wrong, but upon further inspection in the bathroom mirror, Kaneki confirmed that he did, in fact, have hickies _all over_ his neck.

This did not help him block last night from his mind.

It was summer, and yet, there Kaneki was, wrapping a scarf around his neck like a hipster. Today was going to be long, painful, and sweaty, Kaneki thought as he slammed his front door behind him and rushed out.

**Hide**

The sound of a door closing hard woke Hide up with a start. He rubbed his eyes as he yawned and rolled onto his side.

Opening his eyes, the blond realised that he was not in his own house. He was in Kaneki’s house. The Kaneki that the had been out drinking with last night… And then…

“Oh my god.” Hide sat up straight all of a sudden, almost being successful as he tried to ignore the violently excessive amount of light in Kaneki’s apartment.

The more Hide woke up, the more he remembered. Vividly. It had started out as a joke, right? Just some stupid thing between friends. But then…

It was far too early in the morning to be thinking about how wonderful his best friend sounded when he moaned his name, Hide thought as he decided to make breakfast like he always did when he slept over at Kaneki’s house.

Where was Kaneki, anyways? Did he have those ridiculous morning classes again? Or was he just trying to avoid Hide?

As much as the blond hoped it was the former, he knew his friend well enough to know that it was probably the latter, or a mix of the two.

Hide liked to think he was a pretty positive person, he always was happy and easy going, trying to make the best out of life, even when things were tough. The thing about this was, though, that as much as Hide loved making other people happy, it left him little room to worry about himself. Thanks to that, Hideyoshi Nagachika often brushed things off, or didn’t think about them. This probably was terrible for him, but that wasn’t the current problem. The current problem was that Hide was now faced with something rare: a problem too big to ignore.

He had no idea how to fix it, and, as much as Kaneki probably was going to, he didn’t want to pretend it never happened. Was it a problem for Kaneki? Probably. _Should_ it be a problem for either of them? Again, probably. Was it a problem for Hide? Well, that was another question entirely.

While he waited for his breakfast to finish cooking, he sat down on the sofa, leaning his head back and staring up at the ceiling, he whispered to himself, “Shit.”

**Kaneki**

Whenever anything like this happened, Kaneki’s first instinct was to call Hide and talk to him about it, but well, he couldn’t really do that this time, could he?

Kaneki Ken liked to think he was good with schedules and routines, and sticking to them. Now, these included normal things like school, work, etcetera, but for him, also his thoughts. He liked to think about the same things most days, even if these subjects varied individually — books or exams, for instance — it was nice to have something to hold on to. This routine was broken only for especially exciting, interesting, or even depressing events. But what had broken it now was none of those things, and it scared Kaneki because he didn’t know what it could be.

His usual daily thought process went something like this: _breakfast, brush teeth, work, school, work, school, Hide, Touka, school, sleep._

Today, though, it sounded more like this: _breakfast, I made out with Hide, brush teeth, I made out with Hide, work, I made out with Hide, school, I made out with Hide, Touka, I made out with Hide, sleep._

What was he supposed to do about that? He thought that the best thing would be to distract himself until he forgot — or pretended to forget — about it completely. Unfortunately, this would mean he couldn’t see Hide until he had done this — but he had no choice.

Still though, he had to talk to _someone_ about it, so after his first few classes — which he had not paid attention to — he called the only person he could think of.

“Bonjour, Kaneki!” Tsukiyama called him as he walked over to the terrace table where Kaneki was already sitting.

“Hi.”

“What’s the matter?” Tsukiyama asked, pulling a chair out and sitting down, “Why couldn’t you tell me on the phone?”

Kaneki leaned forward onto the table, fists balled with the most intense face he could muster on, “What I’m about to tell you can never leave this table.”

Tsukiyama made a dramatical gasp, complete with his hand on his chest — Kaneki knew Shuu wasn’t mocking him, and that was just how he was — then leaned in, “Tell me.”

Kaneki suddenly had his doubts, was it really a good idea to tell Tsukiyama? Would he be upset? Would Hide be upset?

Ken’s streak of bad judgement continued, however, as he leaned his forehead against the table in defeat, slamming his sunglasses into the bridge of his nose, and said, “I kissed Hide.”

**Touka**

The loud ring of the Kirishima household’s doorbell woke up Touka.

She practically jumped up, scrambling to the front door and hissing in pain as her brain was stabbed by light.

She powered through, and opened the door with a friendly smile as she realised who it was, “Good morning, Miss Fueguchi.”

“Good afternoon, Touka. I brought your brother home.” Ryouko smiled.

Was it afternoon already? Looking down, Touka saw short and shorter — uh, Ayato and Hinami.

“Hey.” she ushered her little brother through the door.

“Well, I’d love to chat but we have to go.” Ryouko said, “Hopefully I’ll see you at Anteiku soon.”

“All right, have a nice day, and thank you.” Touka said, “Bye Hina!”

“Bye Big Sister! Bye Ayato!” Hinami smiled, waving, before waking away with her mother. Ayato gave something of a farewell-grunt from the living room.

Closing the door, Touka went and sat down next to Ayato, “So, how was it?”

He shrugged, “Boring, I didn’t do anything except sleep even though it was early so.”

“And what did you think of Hinami?” Touka asked, silently praying her brother had finally made a friend — God knew he needed it.

“She’s fine, I guess. Too happy.” Ayato just went to his room after that.

Touka was glad he hadn’t noticed her acting weird, because she probably was. She checked the clock, it was 13:30 PM. Her shift started in an hour, and she _needed_ to talk to Kaneki.

**Kaneki**

He had barely entered Anteiku when he was grabbed by the arm and dragged into the back room by Touka.

“Hey! Wha—“

“I need to talk to you.” Touka cut him off, arms folded and looking pissed.

“Uh, sure Touka, what’s wrong?”

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she snarled.

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about, Touka, did I do something?” he said, confused and kind of scared.

“Damn right you did something! Unless your phone got stolen. Did your phone get stolen?” Touka demanded.

“No, I have my phone right he—“

“So it was you that butt dialed me last night?” Touka then asked.

He did? What else did he do? He shouldn’t drink anymore, “Oh, sorry. But why is that—“

_“While you were making out with someone.”_

_Oh no._

“And since you don’t just pick up girls, and the _only_ person you left the bar with was Hide, I’m gonna assume it was him.” she deadpanned.

“Listen, I— It’s not what it sounded like, I’m not—“ Kaneki scrambled for words. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Tsukiyama was going to keep it a secret and no one else would ever know.

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me you were gay?” Touka suddenly insisted.

Kaneki switched over from scared to confused, “Wait, what?”

“I said, why didn’t you tell me you were gay?”

“No. No, you don’t understand, I’m straight!” he said, probably a little too loud.

Touka rolled her eyes, “Whatever.” she turned to leave, but threw over her shoulder, “And take that stupid scarf off! It’s damn hot outside.”

As she walked out, Kaneki called after her, “I was drunk!” he usually didn’t raise his voice to anyone, especially not Touka, but he was in a state of complete fear, and since his life was probably going to crumble entirely soon anyways, he really couldn’t care less.

He stood in the back room for at least ten more minutes, resisting the urge to curl up into foetal position and never get up again, until Kaya called him out.

**Hide**

Hide had decided to focus on the band until he’d have a chance to talk to Kaneki.

They had to have a name, so Hide was making a list, nothing seemed to sound right so far, though.

He looked over his notepad full of messy handwriting again, he read aloud, “Murder in Tokyo,” _eh_ , “Exscream,” what even was that, and, finally, “Bees?!” the list was meagre and embarrassing, but Hide was terrible at thinking up names, and he didn’t even know what kind of music they’d be playing! Also, the exclamation and question mark after ‘Bees’ was because he’d heard punctuation in band names was a thing these days. That did not stop his ideas from being terrible though, he thought.

_God, I just want to talk to Kaneki._

**Kaneki**

Kaneki had just asked the manager, Yoshimura, if he could leave early to get ready for his date. The manager had said “Yes, of course!”. It seemed, these days, as though everyone was involved in Kaneki’s love life but Kaneki.

As he walked home, he thought over the conversation he’d had with Tsukiyama earlier that day.

Tsukiyama had obviously been a bit upset. He didn’t understand how Kaneki could have never kissed him after dating him for months, but randomly kiss Hide when the two hadn’t even dated. Luckily, though, Tsukiyama didn’t bother Kaneki about it — instead, he offered his help, “As a good friend does.” he'd said.

Even though Kaneki told him multiple times that what happened was a mistake, and that he was definitely still straight, all of Tsukiyama’s conclusions ended with Kaneki being gay. It was not very helpful.

_But hey, at least I got to talk to someone about it._

He really did want to be with Hide, though. Kaneki felt like his best friend was the only person he could fully trust with his thoughts. But this time was different, because his thoughts _were about Hide._

As the black haired boy made his way into his apartment, he was relieved to see that Hide wasn’t there anymore.

Sweatily, he flung off his scarf onto the nearest surface.

The location of his date was a bookstore café, so he luckily didn’t have to wear anything special. He picked out one of his nicer sweaters, and a thin cotton blouse for underneath it. He still had an hour and a half before he had to be there so he opted to sit on the sofa and watch some television. However, he was unsuccessful in this simplest of tasks, and accidentally ended up doing what he did best — worrying.

It had only just occurred to him that the friend he had only one night earlier, passionately made out with, the friend he was intending to ignore for however long he had to, he had also just started a band with. How was he supposed to sing — he still didn’t want to sing, he was far too self-conscious about his voice — when he couldn’t be around Hide?

He would probably have to quit the band, too, he thought. Never, in all his life, had Kaneki Ken imagined that one kiss could change so much.

He looked at the time again, and saw that he had forty five minutes until he had to be there, so he decided to get dressed.

Pulling his sweater over his head, he looked in the mirror and decided he looked good enough. He was too exhausted to put any real effort into himself tonight. Absently, he listened to the chatter of talkshows on the television from the other room.

He sighed as he decided to sit down for a few minutes before leaving, but, as always, his plans to relax were foiled — this time by someone knocking on the door.

He hesitated before standing up, praying that it wasn’t Hide.

His steps leading up to te front door were slow and shaky, even though he was doing his best to pretend everything was fine.

With his hand on the doorknob, Kaneki took a deep breath, then twisted it open.

“Hey.”

_It was Hide._

Kaneki looked away, focusing on a random spot on the wall behind Hide, “Hi.”

Hide scratched his head awkwardly, Kaneki saw from the corner of his eye, “I, uh, I’m glad you’re still here. I thought you might’ve already left for your date.”

“I was just about to.” Kaneki said quietly. Ken noted how Hide didn’t let himself in like he always did, instead not even crossing through the doorway.

Hide chuckled humourlessly, smiling like he always did, but this time it was forced. Kaneki looked up as the blond continued, “Hey, y’know, you look good.”

“Thanks.” Kaneki hesitated, wondering what to say. How was he supposed to ignore Hide when he was right there, in front of him? “So, uh, did you need something?” he finally asked.

Hide’s face fell a little, “No. I- I just wanted to wish you luck, I guess.”

“Okay. Well I have to go, so…” Kaneki said. He was already regretting his words, but he knew he didn’t have a choice.

“Oh.” Hide said, “Could… Could we just talk for a few minutes?”

“Hide,” Kaneki sighed, his eyes just starting to sting, “We don’t have anything to talk about.” when Hide didn’t say anything, Kaneki forced himself to continue, looking away again, “I… I think you should leave.”

Hide looked confused. Hide looked confused often, but never like this, right then, Hid looked sad, too. And Hide never looked sad. Not when he was little, after falling and hurting himself. Not in middle school, when he was bullied for being best friends with the most awkward kid in the grade. Not in high school, when Akiko Hayashida rejected him.

But there he was, Hideyoshi Nagachika, standing outside his best friend’s front door, trying to reach him, trying to talk, but being turned away. He looked like he was about to cry.

Even still, he smiled as best he could, and said, “No, yeah, I get it man! That’s fine, you gotta go.” his voice broke just a little.

“I’ll get in touch later, okay?” Kaneki said, automatically scratching his chin.

Hide pretended to believe him — Kaneki knew he was pretending, Hide knew him well enough to know that Kaneki closed himself off when things like this happened. Just because it hadn’t happened with Hide before, didn’t mean it wouldn’t this time.

“Sure. Have a good time, ‘kay?” the blond said.

“Yeah.”

Kaneki took his bag and stepped out the door, locking it behind him. As he went to leave, Hide called after him, “Hey! everything’s good between us, right?”

Kaneki wanted desperately to lie, but Hide didn’t deserve that, so he told his friend the truth wordlessly by shrugging — Hide would have known everything was going to work out if Kaneki had smiled, or shown any sign of positivity. But he didn’t. Kaneki didn’t bother pretending that things were going to be the same.

“See you later, Hide.”

Ken’s friend didn’t answer as the two parted ways. As he walked down the hall of apartments, Kaneki told himself over and over again that all he had to do was forget, and that things would be at least marginally normal again then, but somewhere, in the back of his mind, there were those two voices again. _'You’ll never be able to forget it'_ , one of them said, _'you have to stop being friends with him. Your life will be ruined if you don’t.'_

And then there was the other one, telling him, _'Why do you want to forget it? You knew it yourself while it happened, you were sober. You wanted to kiss him. You want to be with him. You’re a liar.'_

Kaneki’s date would surely be terrible now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear, Kaneki you poor, poor baby...  
> So yeah, ya probably noticed, but this is where the angst comes in! *cracks knuckles* prepare thyself


	11. Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early chapter because I finished studying before I thought I would and also I love you all!!  
> I was thinking about making this one longer, but I felt like that what comes next is best saved for the next chapter, and I like where it ended on this one

Kaneki found himself staring mindlessly at his as of yet empty plate while he waited for his blind date to arrive. The waves of guilt that were crashing into him unendingly were scarcely being pushed away by the black haired boy’s worries of his date.

The clicking of heels moved towards Kaneki, and even though he heard them approaching, he still jumped when he was greeted,

“Kaneki?”

“Oh! Hello.” he replied to the girl who moved to sit across from him.

She chuckled, settling herself before leaning all the way over the table to shake Kaneki’s hand, “I’m Rize. Rize Kamishiro.”

Kaneki’s eyes unaccidentaly wandered down to Rize’s generously exposed cleavage. It was, well, nice to look at, but wasn’t he supposed to be turned on by that, or something? In any case, he decided not to think about his apparently faltering brain.

“Have I kept you waiting long?” the pink haired woman asked, leaning back into her chair.

“Not at all.” Kaneki smiled.

 

After all the goings of a generally pleasant date, Kaneki was walking Rize home.

They had talked about all the superficial things in their lives, but mostly books. She seemed shy, except for when she was speaking of her favorite novels — like she was really passionate about them. It made Kaneki wonder if that was really her, and all the rest was just a front.

Rize sighed as they walked up to a doorstep, “We’re here.” she said.

“Okay, well, have a good—“

Rize cut him off with a direct kiss.

Kaneki screamed internally as he tried to figure out what to do. Why was this happening? They’d only been on one date! He was too shocked to do anything — even though this was the exact moment Kaneki had ‘prepared’ for with Hide.

After a moment, she let go — and started to… laugh? Kaneki was now certain of it; he was pathetic.

When she stopped, she said to him, with one eyebrow raised, “Oh, Kaneki, you’re cute. You really are, but what is wrong with you?”

_There’s… something wrong with me?_

“I can tell you’re shy, I’ve dated shy people before, but… You. There’s something off about you. You acted weird the whole time, and now I — a pretty girl — try to kiss you and you don’t even do anything?” she continued, before eyeing him for a minute and saying, “Oh. You’re not _gay_ , are you?”

_So the whole shy thing was a front, then._

“N-no! I’m not gay, I just really like you,” he did really like her, didn’t he? Just not how he was supposed to, “and I don’t want to ruin it…”

Rize chuckled lightly, “Here’s my number, do what you want with it.” she said, handing him a small piece of paper. She then unlocked her front door and stepped inside, saying goodbye with an indiscreet wink in Kaneki’s direction.

The walk back to Kaneki’s house was lonely and mildly depressing. Ken didn’t get angry very easily, but he was getting really tired of everyone trying to tell him what he was. When it really came down to it, Kaneki wouldn’t mind being gay, but there were two things he did and was minding; first of all, he was certain he wasn’t gay, yet the people around him were all trying to convince him he was. And second; being gay would make him weirder than he already was. Him, the boy that dated someone for half a year and never wanted to have sex with them. Him, the boy who had just been directly faced with a woman’s boobs, and felt nothing. _Him_ , who had only ever wanted to go further than chaste kisses with one person. The one person that wasn’t supposed to happen with.

He couldn’t be gay. He wouldn’t allow himself to be gay.

 

**Hide**

“Yo! lemme know how it went i wanna knoooow”

“btw u wanna come over later? i’m trying to find songs for us to play”

“band names too”

“just send me a msg when u can, i still wanna talk”

Hide stared at the bright screen of his phone, as if Kaneki was going to magically reply if he sent more messages. He had done his best to type just how he always did, he didn’t want Kaneki to know anything was wrong. His best friend should think that Hide had just forgotten about the whole thing after Kaneki left for his date.

Kaneki had been painfully clear about how it was. Maybe not to other people, but Hide knew exactly what his best friend meant when he had simply lifted his shoulders, without a smile. It wasn’t that Kaneki smiled a lot — unless it was for professional reasons — he reserved his genuine happiness for few people. His close friends. Hide was his close friend. Right?

The blond supposed it was a good thing that Kaneki hadn’t smiled, because if he had, it would have ben a fake smile. Friends didn’t give each other fake smiles. Maybe Kaneki’s honesty meant there was hope.

Hide decided to go to the band’s group chat to arrange a meeting. They had things to do, songs to sing, names to pick. Band stuff.

Hide’s ulterior motives, however, were also prominent as he typed in a date and time into his phone. A band meeting would mean Kaneki would have to be there. Unless he don’t show, but Hide hoped with all his heart that he wouldn’t do that.

Tapping the send button, Hide flopped back onto his bed and threw his phone to his feet. Even though he’d been successful in avoiding it all day, Hide was tired, and not doing the thing he was about to was becoming more and more difficult.

He sighed, his breath hitching as his eyes stung badly. As the first few tears spilled from Hide’s eyes, he began to sob. He rolled onto his side and covered himself with his blanket, clutching it to himself as he started to shake. Hide didn’t bother wiping away the tears that were now streaming down his face as he cried. He had to bite down on his pillow so he didn’t wake up his roommate, Seidou — Hide lived in a dorm on campus.

He cried for a long time, and when the tears dried, he felt as though there was nothing left. Not even the tears to hold on to. Nothing but the mundanity of everyday life. He didn’t even care about the band. Right then, Hide didn’t care about anything but Kaneki, and Kaneki didn’t care about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahahaha I kinda hate myself :')


	12. Hurt Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another early chapter because I'm a damn procrastinator and writing feels kinda like being productive!  
> Archive warnings!! Ahh!! there's more, too;  
>  **Warnings:** graphic depictions of violence, homophobia/homophobic slurs, rape mention, self harm mention, lots of swearing, depression
> 
> Have an Ayato POV chapter while I let Kaneki and Hide wallow in their sadness for a while! (in other words, I'm not sure what to do with them without repeating what I've already said, so I'm just gonna let the angst settle)
> 
> **This chapter is very unbeta'd so I'll probably come back and fix typos when I have the time! sorry lol

**Ayato**

Ayato was walking home from school, just like any other day. Nothing was weird. Or everything was weird. It didn’t really matter.

It was bad that day — worse than usual. Ayato thought he was probably going through one of those periods again, so it didn’t really phase him. He was used to it, but it was still annoying. He could have gotten the greatest news of his life and not even cracked a grin — but that was just how it was.

There was only one emotion that could get a reaction out of him — anger. Or sadness. They usually went hand in hand, after all.

He considered picking a fight just for the hell of it, but he didn’t feel like cracking another rib. The thing about picking fights during this time was, he would make anyone that looked mean enough angry. But he wouldn’t _stop_ making them angry — it wasn’t that he didn’t feel bad for them, it was more that the angrier they became, the angrier Ayato became. And that was what he was after.

Sometimes the fight came to him, and it seemed that perhaps it would that day when he heard some assholes from his school yelling something stupid as he walked by them — all bunched up together like a cluster of flies on a dead body.

“Dude, look! It’s that freak from the other class!” one of them said.

“Oh my god, isn’t that the one that cuts himself for attention? What a fucking pussy!” another yelled. Ah yes, the lie that had circulated after someone started a rumour about Ayato’s ‘condition’.

“No but like, you know about his sister right?”

_Oh yeah, the fight was definitely coming to him._

“What about her?”

“Dude, she’s a fucking _dyke._ ”

Ayato turned on his heels.

“No way.” one said.

“Way.”

One of them laughed an ugly pig laugh, “We might have to fuck ’er straight then, huh?” he then said, purposefully louder, obviously just to get a reaction out of Ayato. He did.

“What the fuck did you say?” the fourteen year old asked rhetorically.

The last guy snorted, “You heard me, bitch.”

There were four of them, all considerably taller than Ayato, who was already short for his age. That didn’t stop him from doing what he did next.

This was it. Ayato was sufficiently pissed, so it was time to get beaten up, and hopefully break a few noses in the process.

The first punch Ayato threw was from below — obviously — he knocked the ass that liked to make rape jokes square at the bottom if his jaw, sending his head flying all the way backwards.

The idiot’s ‘friends’ started laughing, one of them yelling, “Oh, shit!”

When the one Ayato just punched regained his composure, he swung at Ayato. It was not difficult to duck out of the way — one advantage of his height, he could miss punches easily, and move fast.

Ayato moved back and immediately hit the older boy in his cheek, his fist slipping and hitting his nose, too — _was that a crack? It better’ve been._

“Shit.” the guy cursed, holding his nose. Ayato took the opportunity to kick his shins, successfully knocking him onto his back. It looked like he landed on his tailbone — hopefully he had, that way he wouldn’t be able to breathe for a few precious seconds.

Ayato kicked his stomach and got on top of him, before beginning to punch him in the face continuously. A few of the cracks that sounded while he did were probably from the fourteen year old’s knuckles, but he didn’t care.

He’d almost forgotten about the other guys who were now in a circle around them. Apparently, they thought it was time to stop the fight — if you could even call it that, since there was only one person actually getting beaten up — because someone grabbed Ayato’s arms and pulled him up, bending them painfully far backwards.

Another asshole helped the one on the ground up, who then stared Ayato down for a minute. Ayato scoffed, what the hell was staring going to do? Intimidate him? Yeah right.

The guy spit onto the ground, before punching Ayato in the stomach — _hard._ Ayato gasped, coughing, before his breath was cut off by his throat being grabbed. After that it was just the resounding ache of being punched all over his body multiple times. His nose was definitely broken, a tooth, too. The boy stood up straight to face Ayato, staring at him like an idiot again. Ayato took the opportunity to spit the build up of blood in his mouth into the idiot’s face.

The bastard wiped his face off, before leaning in and breathing his gross breath all over Ayato, and saying, “Go back to kindergarten, freak.”

One more blow to Ayato’s eye, and then he blacked out.

 

When he woke up, the anger-high was gone, and he felt numb again. Well, mentally. Physically, Ayato felt like someone had just dropped a monster truck on him.

Groaning, he stood up. It was already dark outside, and he still had to walk home. He reached into his pocket for his half-a-decade-old phone, which now had a large crack through the screen. Miraculously, it was still working, and he could see that it was 9:30 PM. Touka was probably losing it.

Ayato stumbled home, grabbing his abdomen and wheezing just a little. He could feel his eye puffing up already, and a sharp chip in one of his teeth. His nose was definitely broken, but he decided to pop it back when he got home. For some reason, he liked looking in the mirror when he relocated his limbs — was a nose a limb? Eh, whatever.

He didn't feel like fishing around for his keys, but he did anyways on the off chance that Touka wouldn’t notice him coming in that way.

It didn’t work.

“Oh my god, Ayato! Where were you?”

“Hi Touka.”

“You scared me to death, you idiot! I missed my shift out looking for you!” his sister almost screamed.

“You shouldn’t have. I’m just gonna go to my room.” he said emotionlessly — just like he felt.

She rushed over to him, grabbing his face in her hand. He immediately swatted her away, averting his face in a feeble attempt to hide his injuries.

She sighed, “Not again.”

_Here it comes._

“Ayato, you _have_ to stop doing this. I can’t afford the doctors anymore. I know you’re not doing good, but—“

“I’m doing fine. Just leave it, I don’t even need a damn doctor.” he cut her off.

“You’re not doing fine. Listen, I made another appointment, you really should go this time.” Touka told him.

Another appointment with the psychologist. That’s what she meant. He’d gone one time, and that doctor had made him tell her every remotely upsetting experience in his whole life. She then diagnosed him immediately, and wanted him to come back to ‘talk’, like he was five, like he didn’t know what a fucking psychologist was. She just wanted to fix him. Why? Whatever it was she diagnosed him with — distiller, or something? — was apparently chronic, so no amount of ‘talking’ was going to make it go away, anyways. It ran in his family, she told him, and she said she thought it was triggered when his father died.

The whole thing was stupid. Ayato hated that condescending pathetic excuse for a psychologist, and he’d rather deal with his shit in supposedly ‘unhealthy’ ways than go see her again.

“I’m not going to see that bitch again, Touka.” he scoffed, “How many times do I have to say it? What do you want to hear? That I hate myself and that I’m dead inside? Will that make you people happy? Fine. I’ll say it, then. I hate my life. I hate everything. And everything hates me, too, so we’re even. I’m dealing with it. Just fucking let me.”

The words he had just spoken to his sister was probably the most emotion he was going to show until his ‘low period’ was over. It wasn’t even real, he just wanted to shock his sister into leaving him alone.

As he walked to his room, he thought about how the only good thing about being clinically diagnosed with depression was having an excuse to not go to school, or to not do homework. All you had to say was “I’m depressed.” and they treated you like some delicate flower.

It wasn’t that it was a lie, either, he could never bring himself to do anything when it was bad like this, he was just too exhausted. The depression did that.

Ayato locked his door and fell onto his bed, deciding to fix his nose in the morning.

There were a lot of things wrong in his head. Everyone knew that already, since he did stupid things all the time, but it went further than that. Somewhere, he liked his depression. It was like a friend. It was what defined him. “Who are you?” “Ayato. I have a depression.” He didn’t actually introduce himself like that, but it was the truth —without his depression, he wouldn’t be much of anything but a teenager without parents.

He wanted desperately to have friends — he really did. But who’d want to be his friend? No one. Ayato Kirishima had no likeable or redeeming qualities, and he was well aware of it. This is why he didn’t bother trying to socialise. He did what he had to be moderately happy sometimes, as well as make sure his sister was okay, and safe. That’s why he joined that band. He could play guitar — one of the only things that he actually enjoyed beyond just being expected to enjoy it — and make money to take care of Touka. Other than that he didn’t really want to join them.

People did sometimes try to be his friend — Hinami, for instance. For some reason, she insisted on trying to engage him in conversations. He’d thought he’d successfully shut her down, until she’d said bye to him much too happily. People were so clueless, sometimes.

Ayato didn’t fall asleep until it was well past midnight, and even then he didn’t sleep for long. The next day was extra exhausting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dysthymia. That's what it's called lmao.  
> I have dysthymia so I thought that was the best for me to write, since I actually know what it's like!  
> Hope ya like this! I'm not sure where all this angst is coming from, but I'm not gonna fight it because I feel like it's spicing up the story.


	13. Eventually

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it is I, a terrible person.  
> I hope you haven't given up on me yet ahh  
> I am SO sorry for the late update!! Basically, this chapter needed to get done for me to go from A to B plot-wise, but I had no idea how to do it. And that, combined with major writers block, spelled out a week-and-a-half late update ;-;  
> But it's here now! And I will keep it coming, too, because summer break starts in 3 days and I know EXACTLY where I want the next chapters to go!!  
> ALSO: updated rating! Look at that so you don't get uncomfortable with this chapter, but don't look at the new tags if you don't want to be spoiled!

Despite suffering a half-rejection at the hands of Rize Kamishiro the night before, Kaneki had put her number in his phone. For future reference.

He was sauntering across campus to his next class when his phone suddenly buzzed. He stopped dead in his tracks to look at it, as he had a habit of bumping into people when he was looking at his phone while walking.

**Hide, 11:25 AM**  
“band meeting!! in audition room @ 7:30”

Kaneki sighed, pocketing his device and deciding to ignore thinking about whether or not he would go until he had the time. If he did go, it would only be to tell the rest of them he was quitting the band, he thought.

Over the course of the next few minutes, Kaneki’s phone buzzed multiple times, announcing the responses of the other members of the group chat.

**Kanae, 11:28 AM**  
“I’ll be there.”

**Kanae, 11:28 AM**  
“Shuu will too.”

**Hinami, 11:30 AM**  
“Okay! :)”

**Nishiki, 11:35 AM**  
“fine with me”

**Ayato, 11:37 AM**  
“k”

Kaneki shoved his phone away again and continued making his way across the campus. The sky was grey and the clouds thick, as they threatened rain. The black haired boy’s last class ended at 6:00 PM, and he didn’t have a shift at Anteiku, so he would have every possibility to go to the band meeting — he could possibly even go early to speak to Hide one-on-one. Though he dreaded the thought of being alone in an enclosed environment with Hide, it beat having to announce he was leaving in front of the whole band, who would surely hate him for it.

**Hide**

19:30. That’s what Hide’s phone said as he checked it while walking into what was now apparently their designated band area.

No one had arrived yet, even though everyone had confirmed that they could come — well, except Kaneki. Hide was sure his friend would join them, though.

The blond neatly arranged seven chairs around a table, before making sure all the lights were on and everything else was ready. He then sat down and began his wait.

Hinami — ever punctual — was the first to arrive at 19:35, Hide saw. Even though she was the only one there except Hide, she still apologised for being late, upon which Hide assured her it was no problem.

Next were Kanae and Tsukiyama — seemingly joined at the hip, like usual — at 19:42.

The four sat in awkward silence — save for the impatient tapping of Kanae’s foot — while they waited for the rest.

Nishiki came in next, at 19:50, not in any kind of hurry. He greeted everyone casually and took seat.

Kanae huffed a few times, mumbling annoyed things like, “Where is that other little brat?”

It wasn’t until 20:00 that Ayato stumbled in, walking slightly funny and wearing a hood that casted a shadow over his whole face. He didn’t say anything as he sat down.

There was only one chair left, then. Hide was sitting next to it and perpetually wondering when it would be filled. Fifteen minutes went by. Then another fifteen minutes.

When it was almost 20:45, Ayato interrupted the individual quiet conversations everyone was holding with, “All right, what the hell? Are we going to do anything or just sit here? Because I have things to do and I can’t sit here all night.”

Kanae and Tsukiyama nodded in agreement, even though they had been the very ones complaining when Ayato was the late one.

Nishiki, sitting opposite to Ayato, spoke up, “Take that damn hood off! I can barely hear you.”

Ayato grumbled but complied. The reactions that followed were probably the only reason he did so.

Even Hide couldn’t stop himself from being a bit shocked, “God, Ayato, what happened?” he asked as he examined the fourteen year old’s face, which was largely the same colour as his hair.

Ayato shrugged, “Nothing.”

“Ayato, that’s not nothing!” Hinami said in a tiny, concerned voice.

The others made hushed comments, Tsukiyama attempting to ask if Ayato was all right.

The blue haired boy scoffed, “Thanks for pretending to be concerned, but you can all shut the hell up now.” he put his hood back on and continued, “Can we leave now? I don’t think anyone else is coming.”

“No, we need to talk about the band!” Hide exclaimed, “C’mon, let’s just wait a few more minutes, I’m sure Kaneki will come.”

They waited. And waited. Kaneki didn’t come.

At nearly 21:20, Hide spoke up again, “All right, I’ll give you guys all the list I made of band names and songs, feel free to add anything in our group chat. That’s all we can do until everyone is here, so we’ll reschedule soon.”

There was little to no reaction from everyone — except Hinami — as they took the papers from Hide and shrugged, flooding out of the room.

“Hide, do you want me to stay and wait with you?” Hinami asked sweetly.

“No, that’s okay, Hina.” Hide declined, seeing how tired Hinami looked.

The girl seemed relieved — though her face showed that she was trying not to — as she said, “Okay.” and left along with the others.

Hide sighed, exhausted. It was late, and he desperately wanted to go home to sleep, but he resisted the urge, instead opting to stay and wait for Kaneki a while longer.

He couldn’t have forgotten. Right? Or was he making a conscious decision not to show up? Either way, Kaneki wasn’t there. Where he was supposed to be — with Hide. Starting a band, laughing, having fun, doing everything they always did together. Hide and Kaneki were still best friends, Hide decided — they were going to work through whatever was going on and everything was going to be okay again. Everything had to be okay again. Hide _needed_ it to be.

Right then, the door opened again. Just a crack, then, slowly, the brightness from the fluorescent lights that lit up the hallways of Kamii day and night spilled into the darkened room in which Hide sat, alone.

“Hide?” a voice called softly. A voice that sounded like sadness, like rain, like the feeling you get when you read your favourite book for the tenth time, but it still feels new, despite it’s old pages and withering binder. Like Kaneki.

“You didn’t forget.” Hide smiled humourlessly to himself.

The sound of his best friend’s footsteps approached the blond, and was followed by the scraping of a chair across the floor as the black haired boy sat down across from Hide silently.

“No.” Kaneki said after a while.

“So,” Hide started, looking up at his friend, “why did you come so late?”

Kaneki smiled softly, yet sadly, “I… Think you know.”

Hide did know. He just thought that maybe if he didn’t say it out loud it wouldn’t be true. So he didn’t respond.

“I’m quitting the band.” Ken said, then, and Hide’s heart sunk.

It was true, after all.

There were a lot of things Hide wanted to say and do, and the blond decided that at least three quarters of them were a bad idea. He knew Kaneki was waiting for him to say something, and that he would wait for however long he needed to. 

Even though Hide was at the point of closing up and disappearing into himself forever, he knew exactly what he needed to say.

“Please don’t.” it sounded like a plea, like he was simply begging Kaneki not to go, so he had to make himself clearer, “I— Kaneki, I won’t ever force you to do something you don’t want to do, you know that, right? It’s just, I know you — and I don’t think you want to quit the band.” he paused for a moment, carefully mulling over whether or not he should continue, “This is going to sound really selfish, and it probably is, but…” he sighed, looking his friend straight in the eye,

“I don’t want you to go. I want you to be happy, but I want _me_ to be a part of that happiness. And I understand that that’s ridiculous, and if you leave now and I never see you again” _please god don’t let that happen_ , “I’ll accept it. But I don’t think that’s what’s going to happen. Lie to me if it makes you feel better, but don’t lie to yourself. Not anymore.” Hide finished, immediately worrying that he’d said something wrong. He usually wasn’t like that, he’d just say whatever came to mind and accept the consequences. But this time was different — this time it mattered.

When Kaneki didn’t respond, Hide panicked, “So, yeah, just take your time and stuff…” _dammit why did you have to ruin it like that._

“Yeah.” Kaneki finally said, and Hide held his breath, “I will.”

Kaneki then made an unexpected movement as he moved to Hide and pulled him up into a hug.

**Kaneki**

Kaneki was on the brink of tears as he stood there, in a dark room, embracing his best friend. Hide had just made a small, and painfully genuine speech, in which he had told Kaneki many things — even without saying them.

He was hugging Hide because he was scared. Scared that that stupid part of himself was going get him to not see Hide for a long time, and if he did again, act like things were just how they used to be. Kaneki wanted to make sure that if he gave in, and that scared, stupid part of him took over, at least he’d have been able to hug Hide like he wanted to one last time. To hug him with the love of their friendship of over a decade, to smell that wonderful scent that made Kaneki feel at home, and to close his eyes, and imagine that they could be happy forever — in what way didn’t matter, as long as they were together. Best friends.

As much as Kaneki wanted it to, this wasn’t going to change anything. For the black haired boy, their whole exchange had only scared him more, and even if he didn’t try to forget about what Hide said, he would still need time. Luckily, Hide would wait. Just like he always did.

Kaneki let go, looking at Hide with a few tears spilling out of his eyes. In that moment, Kaneki had the urge to do a lot of things that he would regret if he did — and regret if he didn’t. Even though he knew he wouldn’t, Kaneki briefly entertained the idea of kissing Hide. Again. Sober. Maybe even more than kissing him. Maybe doing things that he’d wanted to do for a long time, but pretended he didn’t. Maybe tell Hide exactly how he felt. Kaneki pretended that by doing those things he’d make all the pain and sadness go away. It wouldn’t, though — at least not now.

Instead of any of that, Kaneki kissed Hide on the cheek — very softly. A few tears fell on to Hide’s shirt while Kaneki stayed there for a moment, before pulling away and giving Hide a look that said ‘I’ll come back’. Then Kaneki turned around and left, gently sobbing as his footsteps echoed through the bare hallways of Kamii.

 

It took Kaneki an hour to get home. Not because his apartment was far away, but because of how slow he’d walked. It was a cold night, and Kaneki thought his tears — which had now dried up — would freeze to his face.

It wasn’t like he didn’t know he was weak. He did. But knowing it didn’t mean he could do something about it.

Kaneki had realised how messy and unorganised his thought processes were. First, he wanted to forget he had ever kissed Hide. Then, he wanted to convince himself he didn’t feel anything at all for his best friend. Now, he needed time? Time for what? To forget? Probably. Or at least, he wanted to try to forget — but what he’d actually do, he had no idea.

Now he was alone, still in his clothes from the day, shoes kicked off somewhere he didn’t know, laying in his bed.

Before he woke up the next day — the day in which Kaneki would begin his unholy process of cleansing himself of any thoughts that placed him outside his comfort zone or scared him — Kaneki wanted to imagine how things could have gone differently.

It was easy to recall all the feelings he had blocked over the years. The little moments when Kaneki and Hide’s hands had touched and there was some kind of spark. The times when Hide would have a date with some pretty girl and Kaneki would be happy for him, but also jealous, for some reason he didn’t know. And then, that one time when they’d had a school dance in high school, and neither of them could get dates, so they went together, just for the fun of it. Kaneki remembered how handsome Hide had looked, and how much he just wanted to dance with Hide, more than anything.

But he never could, because he was normal.

Sometimes, though, he wondered how life would be if he had acted on his feelings. Feelings that he never understood. Of course, Kaneki had had crushes before, even a relationship! But with Hide it was different; since the blond boy had been his best friend for almost as long as he could remember, it was easy to push everything that felt like more than friendship away. That’s why when, recently, Kaneki had started to realise that maybe there really was something more there, it frightened him to no end. Especially since it wasn’t the same as the other people he’d liked. Sure, with them, he could see himself going on dates, snuggling, giving each other small pecks before school. But with Hide? There was something more — when Hide did things like concentrate with that gorgeous face of his, or run his hand through his hair, it wasn’t just _cute_ to Kaneki, it was _hot._

That was something he’d never felt before.

In those moments, he could actually imagine himself doing things normal people did. Like pushing this person he liked up against a wall and making out with them. Pushing _Hide_ up against a wall and making out with _Hide._ Or even more, like maybe pulling Hide’s shirt off and undoing his pants and then just grabbing his—

_Shit._

_Why why why_ did Kaneki have to do this to himself. Reject someone, then go home and fantasise about them? _That_ was not something normal people did.

Then again, normal people did fantasise, right? Or maybe that just made him a pervert.

This was Kaneki’s last night, though. The last night he could actually think about what he wanted to think about without feeling guilty. So maybe he should just…

Kaneki liked to think he was largely not-disgusting, and yet, there he was, laying in his bed, unzipping his pants, and pretending it was his best friend doing it.

Kaneki’s idea that he was barely drunk at all the night when he made out with Hide on his couch was only reinforced by the fact that he could recall every second of it. The part of Kaneki that was making him do what he was doing wished that he hadn’t stopped that night. That he would have never went to bed when Nishiki called Hide. That he would have told Hide to come back, that he would have pulled his best friend down into the pillows and guided the blond’s hands _somewhere else_ and gone further and further and further until Hide was pounding him into the sofa and they were both screaming. And then, that Kaneki didn’t regret any of it the next day.

That was what Kaneki imagined as he worked himself over the edge.

When he was finished, the dream vaporised into thin air immediately, and Kaneki was left with nothing but dirty underwear, an empty bed, and a day full of denial to look forward to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...my hand slipped? lol jk that last part was kind of an apology for the late update, but also I just wanted to put a scene like that in there. It's a bit more tastefully lit than I intended, but man, am I bad at getting explicit! That's why it's rated mature, not explicit oops. If you do think it should be explicit, though, please let me know!! I'm bad at rating things  
>  On another note, sorry that some of the sentences might be a little fantasy-y. I'm writing a fantasy book and sometimes I forget to flip the switch when I go back and forth from my book to my fic.
> 
> I might also be doin' stuff for hidekane smut week this week so stay tuned!


	14. In Theory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! My laptop is kinda not working, so I have to write on this crappy old one that doesn't have spell checker. So sorry in advance if there are more typos than usual! That's also why this update took a few days longer than expected; I had to make sure all my files were secure on my broken computer before I could continue ugh. Anyways, enjoy~

**_2 weeks later_ **

**Hide**  
Why was life so hard? Why couldn’t everyone just, like, merge brains so that the person they were talking to knew exactly what they meant and how they meant to say it, without any room for interpretation? That would be fun. A life without drama — granted, in this case, Hide was being a hypocrite. He _loved_ drama. As long as it didn’t involve him.

He couldn’t help ponder these things as he sat in his mathematics lecture, staring blankly at the board in front of him, the numbers blurred beyond recognition in his half-awake state.

It had been two weeks since _that_ first band meeting. And Hide hadn’t seen or spoken to Kaneki since. It was painful to think about — not being able to talk to Kaneki was like not being able to use a limb.

When the class finally ended, the blond boy flung his already packed bag over his shoulder and strolled leisurely — or so it probably seemed to an onlooker; his walk was actually more of a ‘dear god please let me go back to bed, or just pass out right here, either is fine’ one — through the halls of Kamii.

It was lunch time and the cafeteria was packed, Hide saw as he stepped into the line to buy a sandwich. Said line was agonisingly long, and when he finaly got his food, it took him a solid five minutes to find a seat — which he needed, lest he want to fall face first onto the filthy floors if his school’s cafeteria.

Sitting down — alone — he put on his headphones in an effort to stay awake through the power of upbeat music.

The first song that came from his shuffled playlist was one he immediately recognised. Despite his wildy all-over-the-place taste in music, Hide was good at memorising and identifying songs. This particular one was — as most of them were — English, and relatively upbeat.

It didn’t have any kind of lyrics until the second half of the song, which Hide thought was odd, but he still knew kind of what they meant — unfortunately. Unfortunately because, in his current situation, he related to the words that the girl in his headphnes sang with her only slightly annoying voice — and not in a good way.

_You, you’re gonna break my heart. You’re gonna tear it apart. No matter what you do, I’ll still be there for you. And when you call my name, I won’t be far away. No matter where you go, you’ll never be alone._

Those were the _unfortunate_ lyrics Hide hummed along to as he sat, half-awake and mildly in pain from his lingering headache that he’d had since yesterday afternoon, in the cafeteria of Kamii, eating a turkey sandwich.

When he finished his lunch, he decided to take a walk, since the sun was just bright enough and he didn’t have any more classes for another hour. While he did so, the music in his orange headphones continued to play, blending into his thoughts like the background music in a television show.

After a few minutes of the tall buildings surrounding Kamii turning into trees, signaling that he was about in the park, Hide’s phone buzzed.

It was someone in the group chat for their band, saying something irrelevant, or perhaps continuing an earlier argument with messages in all capital letters and angry comments.

They’d still been communicating, and they’d even had one more band meeting in the past two weeks. They still hadn’t decided on a name, but that was because they were continuously arguing over apparently more important things — mostly what genre of music they’d be playing.

Hide had immediately stated that he was fine with anything — except country and western. But he didn’t have to worry about that, since Nishiki immediately commented something like, “I’m not interested in screwing tractors.” and everyone seemed to agree with him in the form of silent nods and snickers.

Since they couldn’t decide — after hours of arguing — they made a deal to all pick a few songs they’d like to play, and see which ones sounded best coming from their band.

One thing they did all agree on, was that they wanted to become a popular band. All for their seperate reasons. Hide’s reasons were mostly just ‘because it sounds fun’ and ‘why not’. He wasn’t being impulsive, he just wanted to see if they could do it.

Upon agreeing on this matter, Hide pointed out that it would be a good idea to do Japanese as well as English songs, since English songs can become popular in other countries more quickly. Nishiki and Ayato both wondered aloud how on earth their music was even supposed to leave the country in condescending tones, but eventually shrugged in agreement.

So Hide was making a list of songs that he wanted them to play, and he wan’t sure if it was too long or too short. Another one of his song-list-related-dillemas was that they all seemed to be... _themed_. As in, he could apply all of them to his current Kaneki situation and they would fit perfectly. He wasn’t doing it on purpose, it was just happening.

Speaking of his Kaneki situation, Hide had been taking the past weeks to do exactly what Kaneki was — probably — avoiding at all costs. Thinking about it.

It was a strange thing; liking your best friend. He wasn’t sure when it had happened, but at some point, Hide had started looking at Kaneki differently. It wasn’t something that happened all of a sudden. It starts out with the little things. The way you start overthinking little touches of the hand. The way falling asleep on their shoulder doesn’t seem like something you can do lightheartedly anymore. The way you get just a little nervous when you flirt with them sarcastically.

Except, Hide didn’t recognise what those things meant at first, since he’d never had a crush on someone he was so close with before. In the past, he’d only ever liked girls, most of whom he’d barely known. So it was always easy to ask them out, or something in that vicinity. If they said no, there was no harm done. They would part ways and never think about it again. In those cases, it was also much easier to detect the crush.

But now? Nope. Now it was different. Hide hadn’t realised how close best-friendship was to dating until now. When you date someone, you see them all the time, you hug them, you care about them to the point of doing almost anything for them, and you enjoy their company on a deeper level than most people’s. All those things applied to his and Kaneki’s friendship, too. The only difference was that they didn’t kiss and do other conventionally romantic things.

If you were to put all of these things down on paper, and look at the situation theoretically, Hide shouldn’t really care whether he was dating Kaneki or not, since there wasn’t much of a difference. Then again, real life was nothing like it should be, _theoretically_.

Theoretically, Hide shouldn’t feel the intense need to kiss Kaneki, and hold hs hand while they walked down the street. Theoretically, Hide shouldn’t want to go to sleep in the same bed as Kaneki, and wake up with him every morning in that same bed. Theoretically, Hide shouldn’t want to be Kaneki’s boyfriend.

But he did.

So he had to be patient. Patience wasn’t his strong suit, and some days, Hide really did think he was going to literally die of loneliness, like a rabbit. The same way Hide had told Kaneki he would every time he hadn’t seen him for more than three days.

He didn’t really have a choice, though. Pushing Kaneki would definitely only make things worse.

Hide wasn’t generally a manipulative person, but when Kaneki came back around — all shiny new, and having magically forgotten about what had happened before their friendship-hiatus — Hide wasn’t going to be quite as in-denial as Kaneki. He wasn’t planning on some ridiculous love-confession speech unless his hand was forced, but he would definitely let Kaneki know, albeit subtly, that he felt something. Kaneki’s reaction to those advances, however, would be an entirely different matter.

In the meantime, Hide would be holding down the fort. He’d told the band that Kaneki was having some ‘medical problems’ so that they wouldn’t have a problem letting him come back when he was ready.

Now the only thing that there was left to do was go on with life as normally as he could — which wasn’t very normal, since Kaneki was always a big part of Hide’s life — and wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look, it's a time skip! was planning on making this chapter longer, but it's literally 4 AM and I just finished writing it, and I wanted to publish it as soon as I could, so I'll write the next one/rest tomorrow since it's officially summer break! Yay! Hope you all liked this chapter :) I wanted to focus more on Hide's feeling on the whole ~situation~ since I hadn't done much of that yet.
> 
> Btw the song Hide was listening to is called 'Never Be Alone' by TheFatRat and it's all my friend Emilie's fault because she kept playing it in front of me and I got it stuck in my head and realized it related to the story. I promised myself I'd never become one of _those_ fic writers who puts lyrics in their fic, but I felt like this one called for it since Hide was listening to the song. And also, hey, this is literally a band au.


	15. But Rich Men, Can't Imagine Poor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **PLEASE READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE**  
> Hey guys, first of all, I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE. I know it's been over a month, but I honestly could not do anything about it. A few days after I published chapter 14, the cable for my laptop fried. This doesn't sound like too big a deal, probably, but you see: my laptop is literally my only writing platform. I had no laptop for weeks, and when I finally got it back and almost finished chapter 15, the application just quit. And when I opened it again, my file was gone. An I do mean gone, as in, it had disappeared from my files as if it had never even existed. I was totally pissed, and I had to rewrite the whole chapter, and then guess what? It happened again (I may or may not have cried).  
> Anyways, I found out a way to make sure it doesn't happen again but that's why it took me so long. I promise that I'll do everything I can not to let this happen again! Especially with all the wonderful feedback I got last chapter, thank you all so much! :D  
> And, yes, I posted this chapter like a half an hour ago but the html got messed up and I had to reupload it lol  
> So yeah, guess that was my hiatus. Kinda like Kaneki in the fic, heh.  
> Also! I'm writing something based off one of the wonderful GihBright's headcanons so stay tuned!  
> (chapter title is inspired by 'Reckoning Song' by Asaf Avidan!)

**_Some years ago_ **

_In Japan, most high schools didn’t have dances, but there Kaneki was; attending one — without a date, of course._

_The dance wasn’t organised by their school — a graduate student had organised it, as he thought there should be a better celebration for graduating — but it was surprisingly well planned and organised. Everyone had been invited, or rather, everyone had been handed out small home printed flyers with location, date, and times on them. Hide and Kaneki included._

_Neither of them had been to a (school) dance before, but it seemed like it had all the qualities that a prom should have, which was a pleasant surprise._

_There wasn’t a dress-code, so half the attending students — there was a surprisingly large amount — were dressed too formally, and the other half too casually. It was a strangely endearing sight to see._

_Unfortunately, all Kaneki was doing was seeing._

_Luckily, so was Hide — granting Ken a substantially less amount of loneliness._

_Kaneki didn’t have a date, but not for lack of trying. For Hide, it was the opposite. The blond hadn’t made any attempts to ask anyone, half-expecting someone to ask him, and half not caring either way. Kaneki envied that carefree-ness._

_The room they were in had been rented out thanks to the hosts rich father, and though it wasn’t very much, it seemed to be enough for the manifold of high-schoolers dancing around — slow, then fast, then slow again, then fast again, and so on — in it._

_“Uuugh!” came Hide’s dramatic moaning from the right of Kaneki, where he was sitting next to him on a cleared off punch table in the corner, “Why is it so hot in here? I’m gonna suffocate.” the blond continued, tugging violently at his bow tie._

_Yes, Hide and Kaneki were part of the overdressed half._

_“Yeah,” Ken sighed, “Me too. Why don’t we just leave already?”_

_“Oh, c’mon! It’s gonna get better soon, I promise!” Hide exclaimed, muttering a ‘hopefully’ under his breath at the end of it._

_“Hide,” Kaneki deadpanned, “you have been saying that for three hours.” the black haired boy stretched his arms out and wiggled around a bit, attempting to revive his backside — which had fallen asleep. He then continued, “Besides, you’re the one complaining the whole time.”_

_Hide thought silently for a moment, before locking eyes with Kaneki and stating, “Touché.”_

_Another slow song came on as Hide hopped up and stood himself in front of Kaneki, bowing slight and reaching out a hand, “May I have this dance, Kaneki?”_

_Kaneki simply rolled his eyes and breathed out a scoff at Hides dumb joke._

_The blond straightened himself, placing a hand on his hip and raising a single eyebrow, “I’m serious.”_

_Kaneki was used to Hide acting like this, but couldn’t help but feel his cheeks heat up as he declined once more, “N-no! It’s too hot to dance…”_

_“Hmm.” Hide hummed in thought, “Whatever, you didn’t mind dancing when it was a fast song. And those make you work up a sweat even more, anyways.”_

_Kaneki mimicked Hide, badly imitating his voice, “Whatever.”_

_Hide gave up and sat back down, elbowing Kaneki intentionally in the process._

_Kaneki would regret not taking that dance, one day._

 

**_Today, 2 (more) weeks later_ **

Kaneki wasn’t just waking up to the incessant hum of his various household electronics, but somehow they were starting to annoy him more than two hours ago, when he _actually_ woke up.

Even Kaneki himself — and avid procrastinator — was surprised at himself that morning, when he procrastinated procrastinating.

His alarm was set for 5:00 AM, which was supposed to give him enough time to wake up and lay around worrying — which he knew he would do — before he had to actually start living.

But no, of course that didn’t happen. Instead, Kaneki woke up at 7:00 AM, and had spent the next two hours thinking about everything he wasn’t supposed to be thinking about. It didn’t help that his brain was supplying him a constant stream of every embarrassing mistake he’d made in his whole life.

His classes started at 9:00 AM, and obviously, since it was already 9:00 AM, Kaneki would be missing his first one. Not that he minded, since his first class today was Asian History — a class he usually took with Hide. He supposed he’d have to ask him for notes later. Perhaps that would be a good icebreaker.

Speaking of icebreakers, that was the thing Kaneki was _supposed_ to be worrying about. Today — exactly one month since he’d last seen Hide — Kaneki was going to make an attempt to reunite himself with his normal life, in the hopes of successfully ending his life-hiatus.

In the past when he had done this, it had never been particularly difficult or painful, though sometimes slightly awkward. This time though, Kaneki was particularly worried — especially with how long it had gone on this time, and, moreover, the circumstances surrounding it.

Maybe this time they would have enough of it.

_Maybe this time Hide wouldn’t want him back._

It was inevitable, right? Kaneki had lost friends before from this, and even amazingly patient and understanding people like Hide had their limits. If it didn’t happen this time, it would happen soon, that was a fact Kaneki had to come to terms with.

All Kaneki could do was give himself the best chance he could, and to ensure that, he had mentally prepared a speech. He was going to wait until after the scheduled band meeting today, when he was certain that everyone but Hide would be gone, and then he’d do it.

He was going to apologise and try to weasel his way back into the lives of those that did not deserve him, starting with Hide. Though Kaneki didn’t deserve more hope, he still had to hold out for it. As in, he needed to hope Hide would understand that Kaneki had completely forgotten about what had happened the month prior, and that Hide would forget it, too.

With that thought in mind, Kaneki forced himself out of bed, finally noting — due to moving for the first time — that his room was far too hot. Why had he closed all the windows? It was summer.

His pyjamas stuck to his back and thighs uncomfortably as he arose to go brush his teeth and hair — Kaneki suffered from an abominable bed-head.

 

**Hide**

As Hide slumped out of Asian History, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket, and — ah, of course.

Hide didn’t even have to think about it as he cancelled yet another band meeting. No one seemed interested or involved in their so-called — and, yes, still unnamed — band. As if they could care less. Sure, if for some ridiculous reason the band had to sign a legal document, they’d all have to put their name on it, but that was pretty much where it ended.

Two members were supposedly sick again this week. Just as two others had been the week before, and two more the week before that. So it had been three weeks since their last meeting, and Hide was gruesomely bored. He had barely anyone to hang out with — and those he did weren’t the fun type, they were the kind to study quietly in the library for three hours instead of watching bad movies at 3:00 AM — and no band. Just classes.

_If Kaneki was here he’d do something about it_ , Hide thought.

But Kaneki wasn’t here, there, or anywhere. And he hadn’t been for exactly a month. What a strange anniversary to not-celebrate.

It wasn’t that he was angry with Kaneki — he was used to this, after all — but it was becoming annoying and slightly depressing.

In all honesty, Hide just wanted his best friend back.

But he wanted the _real_ Kaneki back. Not some fabricated, artificial, genetically-modified Kaneki. No, just Kaneki.

Chances were, though, that wasn’t the Kaneki he would get back when he finally did. That part would take some working on. Hide could only hope that this would be the last time Kaneki tried to forcibly change himself out of some deep-seated unhappiness with himself. It made Hide sad just thinking about it.

With a deep sigh, Hide put on his orange headphones and shuffled his playlist. He vaguely recognised the start of an Imagine Dragons song playing, but it quickly faded out into his thoughts.

 

**Kaneki**

One can often forget how weakly built the foundations of everyone’s lives are. Thankfully — or rather, unfortunately — Kaneki never has to worry about forgetting this, seeing as it is reminded to him on a daily basis.

Today’s reminder came in the form of a buzzing phone, and the small pop-up notification of a new text message, it read:

**Hide, 14:37 PM**  
“meeting’s cancelled since ur all sick again -_- reschedule 4 next week!!”

Who knew that such a crudely typed text message could have made Kaneki’s heart sink so deep.

There went his plan. There went everything. What was he supposed to do now? Though Kaneki wanted to with every fibre of his being, he couldn’t call it off. He had to go through with it. He would go through with it.

Kaneki found a park bench in Kamii’s campus, and sitting down, put the following sentence on an infinite loop in his head,

_“Do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it”_

And he did it.

 

To Hide  
“Hey”  
**Sent.**

_Sent._

Kaneki immediately wanted to take it back and go crawl into a hole, but on some level, he was glad he couldn’t.

It didn’t take long for Kaneki to see the little typing bubble pop up from Hide’s end of the screen. His relief was instantaneously replaced with fear.

Furthermore, it didn’t take long — Hide was a ridiculously fast typer — for the little typing bubble to transform into a fully fledged text message. Kaneki waited a few moments before looking at it, and by the time he did, Hide was already typing again.

**Hide, 14:43 PM**  
“HOLY SHIT!!!”

Kaneki did not know how to take that.

**Hide, 14:43 PM**  
“KANEKI!!!!”

**Hide, 14:44 PM**  
“where r u??????”

Kaneki hesitated for a moment, still not sure whether Hide’s enthusiasm was fuelled by happiness or anger.

**Kaneki, 14:45 PM**  
“Meet me at Anteiku?”

Hide’s reply was instant.

**Hide, 14:45 PM**  
“Yes!! c u in 5 mins!”

 

**Hide**

Even though they technically weren’t, Hide felt as though the pedals on his bicycle were — after all his years of using them — molded specifically to his feet. He couldn’t ride anyone else’s bike, and no one else could ride his.

The blond usually thought about this, or some other — in the grand scheme of things — unimportant whim while he pedalled himself to various destinations. Today, however, this was not the case. Today the only thing on Hide’s mind as he rode his bicycle through back allies and across unsafely busy roads was Kaneki. At extremely long — well, maybe not eons, now _that_ would be extremely long — last, Hide’s bookworm best friend had contacted him again.

It had come so much sooner than Hide’d expected, though. He was worried that he might mess up, or be unprepared — and Hide did not feel that way often.

The two-wheelers’ tires made a small screeching noise as they stuttered to a halt in front of Anteiku. Hide made short work of locking it up and scurrying inside.

Kaya was working her shift, and curteously greeted Hide as he found an empty table near a window to sit at.

True to his character, Kaneki had not yet arrived. Not that he was late all the time, in fact, it was quite the opposite: Kaneki was a very punctual being. No, his late arrival on this ocassion was true to his character because Kaneki was always purposefully late when he was nervous about seeing someone. Hide immediately predicted that Kaneki would come walking in slightly faster than necesarry — but otherwise looking not rushed at all — in a few minutes and make up a bad excuse about his tardiness. Not that Hide minded; it was actually pretty endearing to mentally point out Kaneki’s little habits — and it would probably even be comforting this time, seeing as Hide hadn’t had the chance to be around Kaneki for quite a while.

As if on queue, Kaneki came shuffling through Anteiku’s quaint little front door, looking entirely not sweaty, out of breath, or any other signs commonly attributed with hurrying.

The black haired boys hearty little pace was brought to a sudden halt when his eyes met Hide’s. In fact, his entire body went visibly rigid.

The blond was tempted to do the exact opposite of his best friend by hurtling himself at him at full speed, but reasoned not to, and instead let himself fully experience all the feelings that were tearing themselves through his body.

They were mostly joy.

Kaneki was back. Maybe not for very long. Maybe just for a day, or an hour. It didn’t matter, because in that moment, it wasn’t ‘an hour later’. Just right then.

And right then everything was absolutely fine. Better than fine, even; it was _complete._

Sure, Hide’s — and anyone’s — life can be filled up with little things and people. Acquaintances and classes, movies and television shows or junk food and books — but there is always something that can make everything feel right. Maybe it’s a place or a person, maybe it’s two or even three people. Maybe it’s a cat or a dog or a bird. It could be anything. For Hide, though, it was Kaneki.

Kaneki slowly — and in his mind probably nonchalantly — resumed his previous pace, just a little slower.

It seemed like an eternity had passed by the time Kaneki scooted himself into the side of the booth opposite of Hide.

Kaneki looked like a deer in headlights — a deer that obviously didn’t know what to say, resulting in his lips parting ever so slightly, before immediately closing again in frustration. Hide decided to break the silence for him.

“Hi, Kaneki.” he said with a smile that he hoped conveyed exactly how happy he was to see his best friend again.

**Kaneki**

“Hi.” the simple word came out like a reflex, just the way he’d said it thousands of times before. It felt different, though.

Kaneki tried his best to study Hide’s face, but seemed to be failing miserably. Or so he thought.

Hide couldn’t actually be happy to see him, could he?

Kaneki didn’t know whether he should trust the logic he’d been following for most of his life, and decide that Hide was faking his physically warming smile, or try to believe that, just maybe, everyone didn’t actually hate him.

Breaking old habits is hard, though. So when, after but a moment of silence, there was no further conversation than greeting each other, Kaneki began blurting out slurs of apologies.

“Look, Hide, I am so sorry. I mean, I didn’t want to- Like, I wasn’t planning to do that and... No I’m saying it wrong, you don’t understand what I-”

There were too many bad apologies and excuses to put together to form a coherent sentence, so Kaneki couldn’t help but spill out unfinished words and pathetic mumbles. He was making it worse.

Apparently, he was still going on, until Hide interrupted him,

“Kaneki! C’mon man, stop it. It’s fine, okay? We can do this later, I’m just happy you’re here.”

The words were lost in Kaneki’s throat.

“O-okay.” was his weak response. Kaneki didn’t deserve it, but maybe Hide didn’t hate him, after all.

In the future, things would go wrong again — like they always did. But Hide wasn’t thinking about the future; he was thinking about the present.

And maybe the present was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave feedback if you enjoyed and find me on tumblr at attack-on-taco or sweetrollsenpaiwrites, or on deviant art at nightcatruvaar!


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